Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT
My oldest is twelve and I’m beginning to see not only physical changes but emotional and behavioral changes too. My friends only smile and say “welcome to adolescence”. One friend even told me I should say a beracha “borei pre-adolesence”. I am concerned about being a good parent during my children’s teenage years. I havbe heard so many horror stories. Is there anything I can do to preempt and prepare for the terrible teens?
Firstly, I should say kudos to you for trying to be prepared. We always deal with things better when we are proactive than when we are reactive.
Perhaps the most important component of raising teens – and all children for that matter – is doing our utmost to maintain a positive relationship. It’s helpful to use the model of the “emotional bank account”. We know how a financial bank account works. We make deposits and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals. An “emotional bank account” works much the same way. Whenever we have any sort of positive interaction with another we are “depositing” into the emotional bank account we hold with that individual. With each deposit, the level of trust goes up and the quality of that relationship improves. What is accumulating is called “trust.”
The reason this is so important is because when I have to make withdrawals, which is inevitable, if there is enough emotional reserve there will be enough capital in the account to compensate. The higher the level of trust in the account, the easier and more effective communication is.
However, like all “accounts,” it is only as deep as its reserves. But if there are too many withdrawals without enough deposits the account will become depleted. Once there is a low balance or the account becomes depleted even seemingly innocuous comments and innocent mistakes can result in flare-ups.
Unfortunately, it is all too common that families, marriages, and other relationships devolve into such distrustful and unhealthy patterns. The tension becomes immediately palpable and all involved suffer.
The more constant a relationship, the more the need for constant deposits. With continuous expectations, old deposits evaporate. Although high school friends who have not seen each other in twenty years, can pick up where they left off, this is because the old deposits are “preserved,” which is not the case where there has been ongoing interaction. There, ongoing investment is required.
We must remember that each critical comment and demand constitutes a withdrawal. The question is if there will be sufficient deposits to cover those withdrawals.
This is not to say that a parent can ever sit back and allow a child unbridled reigns to do as he/she pleases. But in order to be effective as parents there has to be positive interactions that build the relationship. That includes times when you can laugh together with your child or enjoy each other’s company, without rebuke or discussion about topics that you disagree upon. Spending quality time together doing something that the child enjoys, even if the parent doesn’t necessarily enjoy those things, is very powerful. I know of a rebbe that had no interest in sports but learned a little about it so that he could relate to his son.
Building “trust” does not entail major “out of the ordinary” interactions. Every time you show appreciation and value for something the child did or said, and every time you communicate your love counts as a deposit. A smile can powerfully demonstrate ‘I’m happy you’re here’. These may be small deposits but the small steady deposits add up.
Maintaining the emotional bank account also entails that parents choose their battles. We cannot control our children and we cannot micromanage their lives, especially as they grow older. We need to decide which things we will be firm and uncompromising about, such as our values, and which things we will look the other way, even though it annoys us.
Pick your battles carefully. If you decided not to make something a battle, don’t make faces or nasty grumblings either – accept it and smile.
In regards to the things we decide to be firm amount we are most effective when we can convey our feelings and decisions emphatically without resorting to threats, warnings, and lectures. When we go into one of those modes our children tune us out. In addition, the more anger or emotion we employ when issuing a lecture or threat the greater the withdrawal drains our emotional bank account.
We have to remember the special qualities about our children and what makes them unique, especially when they are being obnoxious or difficult. In difficult situations it’s always helpful to ask wise friends and mentors for advice and not always react on the spot.
Finally, but most importantly, we need to remember to always daven for our children. Rav Shimshon Pinkus zt’l noted that in a desperate situation people say “just daven”, as if that is something to be done when there is no other hope. That is a terrible mistake. Even when things seem wonderful we must never stop davening.
The Steipler Gaon zt’l once quipped that he still davened every day for his son. This was already when Reb Chaim Kanievsky shlita was known as a Gadol.
There is nothing more important that a parent can do for their child, no matter how old the child is.
Hatzlocho and only nachas!
