DEALING WITH ADHD – PART II
It’s been said that the worst thing an ADHD child can do for himself is to have a good day in school! When such a child has a really good day, his teachers will invariably tell him “See you can do it. You just need to try harder.” In reality, his perfect day is more analogous to the quip that “even a stopped clock is right twice a day”. Every now and then, for some reason the child is calm and collected and he is able to act like other students throughout the day. It is important to remember however, that sitting in class and being in school is a challenge for him, and probably will always remain so.
Dr Ed Hallowell relates that he feels that the fact that he has ADHD is a tremendous gift. He claims that as he gets older it’s his ADHD that keeps him going. People with ADHD are often extremely creative and possess great imaginations. There is no doubt that parents of ADHD children should look for ways to foster and encourage their children to use their imaginations in positive and productive manners.
I also once heard a principal state that the best teachers have ADHD. Their principals can’t stand them because they are always late and their organization is disastrous. But their students love them as teachers.
On the other hand, Dr. Russel Barkley, an ADHD guru, counters that ADHD must be presented as what it is – a disorder. There are many challenges that one with ADHD has. With education and assistance he can learn strategies that will help him traverse those challenges and be productive. However, Dr. Barkley is emphatic that ADHD be recognized as a challenge and struggle, and not presented as a wonderful asset, though there may be some benefits.
One of the greatest challenges for an ADHD child is his distractibility. When you give instructions to an ADHD child, especially if there are multiple tasks, ask him to repeat back to you the steps before he begins. He still may forget and miss a few steps but there is a better chance of him following through if he has to verbalize what he has to do.
Choosing your battles is even more important with an ADHD child, as is finding his strengths and capitalizing on them.
What about the fact that you may be treating your ADHD child differently than your other children? I have a sign hanging in my office which reads: “To treat all children equally is to treat them unfairly.” We need to have different expectations for every child, commensurate with their capabilities and challenges. Most children understand it on their own. Even when they complain that it’s not fair they generally “get it”. At times, it may have to be explained, but for the most part it is apparent.
A colleague noted that to ADHD children (and many children for that matter) there are two categories of time: Now and not now. Five minutes from now and three months from now both fall into the category of “not now”. Children with ADHD need help setting goals for themselves, especially within time limits. A book report due a month away is a disaster for such a child.
Setting limits is imperative, but they have to be fair limits. It is important to give ADHD kids some space, but at the same time not to give them too much space. As mentioned earlier, they need us to be their brakes. They need those limits and they need us to maintain those parameters.
I would also add one more point. A colleague of mine, who was a masterful rebbe, would often tell his ADHD students that they cannot blame lack of performance on their disorder. Yes, it is indeed harder for them, but now that there was that understanding they still were expected to do the best they can. He would quote the old Home Depot motto: “You can do it, we can help.” Although it is a challenge they must always take responsibility for their actions and decisions.
Dr. Robert Brooks notes that one of the great challenges of ADHD is that children with the disorder often feel hopeless and helpless. The more we are able to help them understand the nature of their challenges and how to compensate for them with strategies and techniques, the more confident they will feel in themselves. That is one component of how a therapist can be helpful in working with an ADHD child.
When dealing with ADHD, we must realize that our perspective and approach should be like a shepherd, not an engineer. In other words, our task isn’t to ‘fix’ them. They are who they are! Rather, our task is to help them learn how to understand the nature of their challenges, and their uniqueness.
Many adults who suffer from ADHD struggled through their school years but today are successful and content. There’s no question that it was (and is) a constant struggle. But with patience, encouragement, and understanding, they were able to appreciate themselves and become successful.
As parents (and teachers) of ADHD children, having that patience, encouragement, and understanding is easier said than done. Parents can benefit greatly from support from other parents who can understand their challenges, and empathize with the challenge of being patient. It is also so vindicating to feel that “it’s not just me”. That chizuk is vital!
KEY POINTS
- We need to externalize our expectations and the time frame
- They must take responsibility for their behaviors
- Patience, Encouragement, and understanding
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.