Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
CHORES
My husband and I feel that it’s important for our children to have set responsibilities around the house. However, we have been having a hard time ensuring that the chores get done. It’s just easier for us to do it ourselves than to deal with the arguing and groans of “None of our friends have to do this stuff” and “You’re so mean!” Also, should we pay our children to perform their chores?
Anyone who deals with children will tell you that he/she can tell when a child has chores and responsibilities at home versus when a child has no specific responsibilities.
I once heard a lecturer say that when he asks a room full of adults what the greatest memory from their youth is, over 90% reply that it was a time they were asked to be helpful or contribute to something in a meaningful way.
Infants and toddlers often pick up a broom or mop and try to imitate our actions of cleaning up. Without realizing it we often squelch those efforts by grabbing away the broom or mop because we know the child’s helping will only make it more difficult for us. But there is an innate desire and need for every person to be helpful and to feel like they are contributing.
The problem is that there is also a superficial laziness that masks that desire. As parents, we often have to prod our children to get them past that initial laziness to attain that sense of accomplishment. [As mature adults we have to do the same for ourselves.]
To be sure, very rare is the child who will thank us for giving them chores so that they can develop their sense of responsibility, but doing so inevitably will help them in the long run. As one of my high school rabbeim once quipped: “Work on yourself now or your mother-in-law will later.”
As a camp counselor I remember one twelve year old camper who did not know how to sweep the floor. When I gave him the broom and insisted that he do his job he sat down on his bed and began to cry. The maid at home did all the cleaning and he didn’t even know how to sweep. His loving parents who spared him the trivial chores at home unwittingly did him a great disservice. The child could hardly fend for himself, was extremely irresponsible, and got on his bunkmate’s nerves with his obnoxious sense of entitlement.
Every member of the family should have certain chores that are uniquely their responsibility. In some families, parents first decide which chores need to be performed, and then the family decides together who will perform each chore. Then a chart is drawn up which details who has to do what, and on which night. On Thursday night or Friday there may be certain added chores in honor of Shabbos, and there may be added chores on Motzei Shabbos or Sunday to clean up from Shabbos.
We should not be paying our children to perform basic chores. Chores are the shared responsibilities of the family. By simply being a member of the family it is our responsibility to fulfill those responsibilities. The reward for the chores is the sense of pride and mastery involved in doing them.
What if a child doesn’t perform his/her chores? Once it has become clear what the child’s responsibilities are, sometimes the best response is to have no response at the time. Perhaps you should even do the chore for the child. Then when there is something special that other children receive, the child who didn’t do his chores can be calmly informed that unfortunately he is unable to receive the treat because his family responsibilities weren’t performed. Perhaps it may be an outing that he can’t join. The consequence should be a calm yet firm message that states that the child is losing out because he did not fulfill his familial responsibility.
What about when children role their eyes and grumble about their chores? As much as possible try to ignore it and not waste your energy fighting it. Perhaps it’s worth even telling the child that you appreciate their doing it even though they don’t want to. Then bite your tongue and walk away.
At a later time, when both parent and child are calm, it may be worth sitting down with the child and revisiting what happened, and discussing whether the child would like it if supper was served with a grunt and eye rolling. Perhaps parent and child can even laugh together as they act it out. But one thing is for sure – lectures and threats in the heat of the moment don’t accomplish anything positive.
KEY POINTS:
- Chores are important for building responsibility and a sense of belonging
- Don’t pay children to do their chores
- If a child doesn’t fulfill responsibilities, let the consequences do the teaching
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding . Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.