CHUTZPA – PART I
I’m at wits end with my fourteen year old daughter. Her chutzpa is driving me crazy. I feel like any time I ask her to do anything it ends up being a major blowup. She claims I ask of her more than any of her friend’s parents, even though I hardly think that has any truth, and she can also spew some other mean-spirited disrespectful comments. She doesn’t speak this way with my husband. This is not the way we raised her. How should I react?
The first part of this question entails that we understand why indeed children are chutzpadik. In a nutshell, children ‘use chutzpah’ because it works! How so?
During an interview for admittance into an elementary yeshiva, the menahel asked a feisty eight year old boy what he does when he gets angry. The boy emphatically replied: “I use chutzpah!” He said it as if it was a tool in his arsenal.
There are three basic reasons why children are chutzpadik:
1. Adults dictate every facet of a child’s life – adults tell children what to do, where to go, when and what to eat, etc. Children often feel restricted by the powerful adults in their lives. If a child is able to manipulate one of those imposing adults in their lives and get a rise out of them it’s very thrilling. It’s a subconscious (and sometimes conscious) attempt to regain some control or even the playing field.
2. Undivided attention from a busy parent. Children yearn for their parent’s attention. They often have to compete with many other things that their parents are busy with. If a child is sufficiently chtzpadik to their parent and knows how to push the right buttons, the parent will drop whatever their doing and speak (or yell) at the child for a few minutes. Evebn though it is negative attention the needy child craves whatever he/she can get.
3. Divert attention away from core issue. Perhaps this is even a situation that has arisen. You ask your daughter to clean her room. She responds with a diatribe about how mean and overbearing you are. You launch into a defensive and a major argument ensues. At the end of it all you both are flustered and upset, but you have retreated back to the kitchen, and she didn’t have to clean her room.
CHUTZPA – Part II
A teacher once came to my school social work office in a huff. She put down a test paper from one of her students which had an illustration on the bottom. There was a caricature of what obviously was meant to be the teacher, with a tank pointed at her. She was beside herself, and was afraid to go home. I explained to her that he really didn’t hate her or want to kill her, but hated the fact that he felt dumb in her class.
What’s the best response to chutzpa? If they are doing it to get a reaction our best response is to ensure that it doesn’t work for them. Realize that the chutzpa is a tactic, and they generally don’t mean the things they are saying. They don’t really believe that “You are the meanest Mommy in the world!” or that they hate you, or whatever hurtful things they may say. When we respond to their nasty – yet ridiculous comments, we are feeding into what they want.
When asked at a Torah Umesorah Convention a few years ago about how to handle chutzpa, Rav Aharon Leib Steinman shlita replied that there is no such thing. He meant that chutzpa is not something that happens in a vacuum, but is the child’s way of expressing some inner pain. That in no way excuses the child, but it helps us to realize that if our child is chtpzadik he is not an evil monster. Still we must do our best to respond adequately and not allow his chutzpa to persist.
When our child is being chutzpadik, we should talk to ourselves in our minds and remind ourselves that the child doesn’t mean what he’s saying. Our best response is to calmy reply “I would be happy to discuss this with you further when you speak to me with derech eretz!” Then use the ‘broken record’ technique (if you know what a record is). Keep repeating the phrase even as the child escalates her invective.
When they see you are not biting they will eventually back down.
At a later time when there is a calm moment it is a good idea to discuss what occurred, to give your daughter a chance to share her feelings respectfully. At that point, if the conversation goes well, you can remind your daughter that the Torah obligates her to speak to you with respect. If you say it calmly and lovingly then it may actually be effective.
Depending on the situation there may be a need for a consequence for the child’s chuzpa, but definitely not in the heat of the moment.