“RABBI’S MUSINGS (&
AMUSINGS)”
AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh
Parshas Shemini – Parah
Parshas Shemini – Parah
Mevorchim Chodesh Nissan
22 Adar II 5779/March 29, 2019
On
Purim afternoon, when I entered the home of a friend to give him shalach manos,
there were a few women talking, one of whom was wearing a home-made hat with a propeller
on top that had the words “helicopter parent” beneath it. When she saw me
looking at it and laughing, she told me that her mother had long accused her of
being a helicopter mom, and now she finally decided to just embrace it.
Purim afternoon, when I entered the home of a friend to give him shalach manos,
there were a few women talking, one of whom was wearing a home-made hat with a propeller
on top that had the words “helicopter parent” beneath it. When she saw me
looking at it and laughing, she told me that her mother had long accused her of
being a helicopter mom, and now she finally decided to just embrace it.
Jim
Fay, founder of the Love and Logic educational approach, notes that there are
three different approaches to parenting: The Drill Sergeant or ‘my way or the
highway’ parent constantly tells his child what to do, when to do it, and
exactly how to do it. That approach is contrasted with the ‘Helicopter’ parent who
seems to hover above his child in order to protect his child from any culpability
or responsibility.
Fay, founder of the Love and Logic educational approach, notes that there are
three different approaches to parenting: The Drill Sergeant or ‘my way or the
highway’ parent constantly tells his child what to do, when to do it, and
exactly how to do it. That approach is contrasted with the ‘Helicopter’ parent who
seems to hover above his child in order to protect his child from any culpability
or responsibility.
The third type
of parent is ‘the Consultant’. This parent tries hard to listen empathetically
to his child’s issues and complaints. He then gently offers a few ideas that he
can think of and then asks the child which one he thinks is his best option. If
the child replies that he doesn’t know, the consultant parent replies that he
is out of ideas, but hopes that the child will figure it out, and then tries to
stay out of it.
of parent is ‘the Consultant’. This parent tries hard to listen empathetically
to his child’s issues and complaints. He then gently offers a few ideas that he
can think of and then asks the child which one he thinks is his best option. If
the child replies that he doesn’t know, the consultant parent replies that he
is out of ideas, but hopes that the child will figure it out, and then tries to
stay out of it.
Love and
Logic teaches parents how to be Consultants.
Logic teaches parents how to be Consultants.
The
oft-quoted pasuk from Mishlei states: “Chanoch linar al pi darko –
educate a child according to his way”. People often forget the latter half
of the pasuk, “gam ki yazkin lo yasur mimenu – even when he becomes
old, he will not deviate from it.”
oft-quoted pasuk from Mishlei states: “Chanoch linar al pi darko –
educate a child according to his way”. People often forget the latter half
of the pasuk, “gam ki yazkin lo yasur mimenu – even when he becomes
old, he will not deviate from it.”
Shlomo
Hamalech is teaching that chinuch is not just about compliance, but more about
instilling values into our children’s souls, so that it becomes part of them
for life. The Drill Sergeant parent may get compliance in the short run; but
it’s out of fear. That type of parenting may have worked for our parents, but
it’s no longer effective with our children.
Hamalech is teaching that chinuch is not just about compliance, but more about
instilling values into our children’s souls, so that it becomes part of them
for life. The Drill Sergeant parent may get compliance in the short run; but
it’s out of fear. That type of parenting may have worked for our parents, but
it’s no longer effective with our children.
The
same applies to a Helicopter parent who is trying to protect his child from the
vicissitudes of life. Life challenges are inevitable and when they arrive, the
child of the helicopter parent who never dealt with adversity and challenging situations,
will be ill equipped to deal with them.
same applies to a Helicopter parent who is trying to protect his child from the
vicissitudes of life. Life challenges are inevitable and when they arrive, the
child of the helicopter parent who never dealt with adversity and challenging situations,
will be ill equipped to deal with them.
Both
the Drill Sergeant and Helicopter Parents are unwittingly giving their children
an underlying message that “you are unable to deal with your own problems,
so we have to step in and dictate your life”.
the Drill Sergeant and Helicopter Parents are unwittingly giving their children
an underlying message that “you are unable to deal with your own problems,
so we have to step in and dictate your life”.
It
seems that for some parents being a ‘helicopter parent’ is a backhanded compliment.
It implies that the parent is overly doting to his child because he loves his
child and is willing to prioritize his child’s happiness above all else. But in
truth that love is misplaced. The helicopter parent is stifling their children’s
growth and robbing them of their most precious learning opportunities. Those
lessons will have to be learned later in life, because parents cannot forever save
their children from life. The problem is that later on the price tags for those
lessons will be much steeper and more painful. By then there may also be others
involved – such as spouses and children – who will suffer greatly because of
the immaturity of the helicoptered child, now parent.
seems that for some parents being a ‘helicopter parent’ is a backhanded compliment.
It implies that the parent is overly doting to his child because he loves his
child and is willing to prioritize his child’s happiness above all else. But in
truth that love is misplaced. The helicopter parent is stifling their children’s
growth and robbing them of their most precious learning opportunities. Those
lessons will have to be learned later in life, because parents cannot forever save
their children from life. The problem is that later on the price tags for those
lessons will be much steeper and more painful. By then there may also be others
involved – such as spouses and children – who will suffer greatly because of
the immaturity of the helicoptered child, now parent.
The
danger of helicopter parenting was acutely demonstrated with the recent college
admission scandal. The United States Justice department accused fifty people,
including 33 parents, of cheating and lying to get their children into prestigious
universities. Aside for the illegalities of what they have done, those parents
are not preparing their children for the realities of life. The bottom line is
that the greatest growth results from resilience after setbacks and failures.
There is no more valuable trait that we can instill in our children than helping
them move beyond their comfort zones, to confront their demons and fears, so
that will not be limited by natural constraints.
danger of helicopter parenting was acutely demonstrated with the recent college
admission scandal. The United States Justice department accused fifty people,
including 33 parents, of cheating and lying to get their children into prestigious
universities. Aside for the illegalities of what they have done, those parents
are not preparing their children for the realities of life. The bottom line is
that the greatest growth results from resilience after setbacks and failures.
There is no more valuable trait that we can instill in our children than helping
them move beyond their comfort zones, to confront their demons and fears, so
that will not be limited by natural constraints.
These
parents have also sent their children a message that value is to be found in
accomplishment and public accolades. If their children don’t make into top
universities, they will be viewed as failures.
parents have also sent their children a message that value is to be found in
accomplishment and public accolades. If their children don’t make into top
universities, they will be viewed as failures.
All
these parents were undoubtedly blinded by love for their children. But the best
of intentions isn’t enough. We must give our children space to make mistakes
and learn from experience, for that is the greatest teacher and that is the
path to maturity.
these parents were undoubtedly blinded by love for their children. But the best
of intentions isn’t enough. We must give our children space to make mistakes
and learn from experience, for that is the greatest teacher and that is the
path to maturity.
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum