Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
TEASING III
I have a sign hanging outside my office which reads: “Hurt people hurt people”. Often a child will approach me and ask me why I have a sign hanging which says the same phrase twice, but in different fonts. What’s worse is when a student asks me why I hung up a sign which encourages people to hurt people (twice)! It actually contains a very fundamental idea about interpersonal relationships and serves as a great discussion opener.
The underlying point of the sign is that the way we interact with others is based on how we are feeling at any given time. When we feel confident and comfortable with ourselves we generally will not be critical or negative towards others. For example, at a boy’s own bar mitzvah when everyone is wishing him Mazal Tov and giving him presents, chances are he won’t insult his classmate’s suit. It is when we are feeling down about ourselves that we make negative or nasty comments about others. The adage that misery loves company is not only true in regards to our seeking empathy and understanding. When a person feels lowly or badly he often dispels those feelings onto others as well. That is what the sign is saying – it is only one who feels hurt who will seek to hurt the feelings of others.
This is an important idea for both an aggressor who hurts someone else’s feelings and for the victim whose feelings were hurt. The aggressor must realize that if he feels compelled to make hurtful comments about others there is something about himself that he is unhappy with.
The victim too must understand that the insult is not as much a reflection of his own deficiency as it is that of the one who uttered it. It may not seem that way, but that is the underlying truth. If he is able to realize the source of the insult he is far better prepared to deal with it.
In her classic book, “Words Will Never Hurt Me”, Sally Ogden explains that one of the key motivations to teasing and put-downs is to accomplish “leveling”.
She explains it in the following manner: Rate yourself socially from 1-10, 1 means you feel like a social outcast, 10 like a social celebrity. After you rate yourself, rate your best friend. Then rate someone you don’t particularly like being around. The chances are that the number you wrote for your best friend is the same or 1-2 points off from the number you gave yourself, whereas the number you gave to the person you don’t like is between 3-6 points off either way.
We like to be around people who make us feel comfortable. People who are far more social or far less social than we see ourselves automatically make us feel uncomfortable. If we perceive that the social gap between ourselves and another is too large, particularly if we think someone is more sociable than we are, we will employ “leveling” to make us feel that they are not ‘better than us’. Putting down someone else is the quickest and easiest way for one to level his score, which will make me feel comfortable again. The bottom line is that most people enjoy the inferiority of their friends.
In the adult world we may be guilty of this when we attend a fancy simcha of a wealthy friend. As we sit at the meal in a posh hall, enjoying a very upscale meal, in the shadow of a twelve piece band, etc. we may find ourselves commenting about how unnecessarily extravagant the wedding is. “Look at this waste of money! How much benefit could tzedakah organizations have from the amount of money wasted here!”
If we were really honest with ourselves we would realize that it’s not the “wasted money” that bothers us, as much as it’s our envy that we could never afford to make such an event. By saying those nasty comments we seek to assuage our jealousy by “leveling”. By speaking about how wrong it is to make such an extravagant affair we are making ourselves feel better about the fact that we are unable to do so.[1]
If a girl walks into class with new shoes and a few classmates comment how nice they are, and then one girl makes a degrading comment, it may very well be that classmate’s attempt at “leveling”. Or, if a boy is going on a fancy vacation and shortly thereafter another boy in the class makes fun of that boy’s clothes, it may be a similar attempt at leveling.
We can help children understand this dynamic, and hopefully with time they can recognize it themselves. If a child understands that he/she is being teased not because the words being said are true, but because another child is envious it helps take the sting out of what was being said. Mrs. Ogden notes that, “Life has taught me that it is not for our faults that we are disliked and even hated, but for our qualities.”
An older child can be helped to understand that, “When we criticize others, we do not define them; we define ourselves.”[2] Chazal expressed the same idea long before when they said “Kol Haposel b’mumo posel”.
We will continue to explain how to best react to teasing in the next segment iy”H.
KEY POINTS
- Hurt People hurt people
- One of the key reasons for teasing is to accomplish “leveling”
- A proper perspective about teasing helps us not take it so personally
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. For speaking engagements he can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.
- Another example from the adult world that bears mentioning: We purchase a new home or car, or make a pricey renovation in our home. A friend comes to see it and compliments us on how beautiful it is. Our response is to point out all of the flaws and mishaps. We do that because we may feel guilty for our new enjoyment, especially when we know our friend doesn’t have what we have. We think that if we point out all of its flaws and the frustrations involved it will “level” us with our friend who doesn’t have what we do. ↑
- Dr. Wayne Dyer ↑