Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
TEASING II
When a child approaches us upset because he/she was teased, we must first show some modicum of empathy for the child. We must also reassure the child that it is wrong and unacceptable for anyone to hurt another’s feelings. However, we don’t want to show too much empathy, because we want the child to learn to take responsibility, and not cower behind a victim mentality. Then we can review with the child what occurred and help him realize how he may have exacerbated the situation by reacting harshly.
If children seek our advice (often in a whiney and vexing voice) because another child is bothering them, we cannot shrug it off by saying ‘just ignore it’. We need to explain to them that ignoring it as the best strategy he can use to help himself.
The first step is for a child to understand why it’s so detrimental to himself to react harshly when teased or taunted. Many children have a hard time understanding why that’s so important. With those children I share the following story:
Johnny is visiting a new town when he notices a man standing in front of an old house surrounded by hundreds of pigeons, throwing bread crumbs on the sidewalk. Pigeons are also eating crumbs off of his arms and even his head.
When Johnny asks the man what he is doing, the man replies that he is making the pigeons go away. Johnny is astounded, “What do you mean you’re making them go away?”
The man explains, “You see every day for generations pigeons have been congregating on our front lawn. They are a terrible nuisance and the noise they make is unbearable. My ancestors tried everything to get rid of them, including shooing them, chasing them with a broom, and even shooting them. But they wouldn’t leave. Then I discovered that if I feed them bread crumbs, as soon as the last crumb is finished, they all leave.”
Usually the child will understand the absurdity of the story. The pigeons all leave, because they have gotten what they want. Of course that didn’t solve the real problem in the slightest, because every single pigeon will surely return the next day for more, and the pattern will continue ad infinitum.
As mentioned in the first segment of this article, when children tease each other they are trying to solicit a reaction. The reaction is symbolized by the ‘bread crumbs’. Some children feel that when they respond in kind they are ‘showing’ the teaser that they are defending and sticking up for themselves. They convince themselves that this is the best approach, because after they respond the teasing stops.
What they fail to understand is that they did not solve their problem at all. The reason the teasing may stop is because the teaser already got what he wanted – an emotional reaction. Tomorrow, or some time in the near future, when the teaser is looking for a quick and easy laugh or entertainment, he will know exactly what to do and who to bother. The child needs to realize that we aren’t suggesting that he ignore the teasing because it’s petty, but because that is the optimal way to “fight back”. By ignoring he is not giving the teaser the satisfaction he is seeking.
In some situations it may take some time before a child can understand and recognize this dynamic. Many children sincerely believe that they have to strike back harder in order to get the teasing to stop.
The best way to explain it is in real time – by using real experiences as examples soon after they happen. If a child had a hard time not overreacting to teasing, I would urge him to repeat to himself in his mind the words, “It’s only a game; I don’t want to lose!” I would have them say it repeatedly until it became like a mantra. It served as a reminder to them that the whole teasing debacle is a nasty game kids (and adults) play with each other to solicit a reaction. If the child is able to remember that it’s just a game when he is teased, he will be more likely to not allow himself to take it personally or get insulted.
I have often asked children who feel they are teased by certain peers if they think the teasers dislike them. They are usually quick to respond with a resounding yes. They reason, that if that is not the case, why would the other child taunt them? I then ask the teaser (not in front of the teased) if he dislikes the peer he often teases. Invariably, they respond that they have nothing against the peer they tease. When I ask them why they do it, they reply that ‘it’s fun’ when the other child gets so worked up.
A father once mentioned to me an idea that worked well in such a situation. His son was the type of child who was often teased due to his grandiose reactions. The father told his son that for every time he was teased and completely ignored it he would give him a dollar. From then on, instead of his son becoming angry and defensive whenever he was teased he now began to get excited.
It took a bit of time, but soon the formerly commonplace teasing almost completely stopped (to the son’s dismay). That approach helped the boy realize that it was his reactions that were serving as the catalyst for the teasing.
In the next segment we will further discuss the teasing dynamic as well as offer ideas about how a child can respond in a productive and non-confrontational manner.
KEY POINTS
- The best response to teasing is not to respond.
- In order to learn how to not respond a child must understand why teasing occurs.
- Children can train themselves to not respond in the heat of the moment.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. For speaking engagements he can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.