Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
SEDER NIGHT
I am always very excited about the Seder, and I always look forward to it for weeks before.
But every year I feel somewhat disappointed. In all the derashos I hear before Pesach, the concept of chinch and the importance of speaking to every child, is a fundamental theme of the great night. But invariably at the beginning of the Seder our children begin fighting – usually over silly things, like chairs and pillows. Then as the Seder progresses our younger children start becoming tired and cranky, and our older children want to share their myriads of divrei Torah on every point in the haggadah. I would love some tips on how to help our Seder be a more enjoyable and uplifting experience for my entire family. It’s a beautiful idea to speak to every child at the Seder and convey the ideas of emunah, but practically how can that be accomplished?
It’s hard to give exact parameters, because what works for one family may not work for another. But I will share some ideas I have learned along the way, and hopefully some will speak to you.
We want the Seder to be a positive memory for our children, a memory that will remain with them throughout their lives. We should remember that the mitzvos and ambiance of the night in and of themselves create memories. We need only to ensure that it is a positive experience.
One year at the Seder of Rav Yitzchok Hutner zt’l, a student was nervously filling Rav Hutner’s kos with wine when he accidentally spilled some wine on Rav Hutner’s pristine kittel. Without missing a beat, Rav Hutner warmly quipped “A kittel without a wine stain at the Seder is like a Yom Kippur machzor without tears.”
Aside from the beautiful lesson in sensitivity, the anecdote also serves as a reminder that our enjoyment of the Seder has a lot to do with our expectations. If we are expecting our children to sit like angels with their eyes sparkling with regal holiness as we share Torah thoughts over a white tablecloth and perfectly intact matzos, we are probably in for great disappointment. The usual bickering over seats, spilled wine because of bulky haggados being moved around, and children becoming increasingly grumpier as the hour gets later are all par for the course, and not a lack in our children.
Chazal teach us that Seder night is all about arousing the curiosity and interest of our children. The fact is that due to the incredible effort invested by our children’s rabbeim and moros, today many of our children know more vertlach about the haggadah than we do. One of the challenges that emerge from that knowledge is that each child has a plethora of thoughts they would like to share during the Seder. It’s usually also the case that when one child is sharing his/her thoughts everyone else is getting edgy.
It may be a good idea to discuss with the children who enjoy sharing lengthy divrei Torah some fair parameters in advance. In some homes only the father shares divrei Torah during Maggid, although each child is welcomed to ask questions and add to the father’s points. In other homes each child is allowed to share one favorite thought after a certain amount of paragraphs. But to allow all children carte blanche to say whatever they want can often lead to restlessness.
My father often remarks that he doesn’t understand why everyone has so much to share during Maggid, but when it comes to Shulchan Oreich or the rest of the Seudos during Pesach no one has any divrei Torah to share. Why not share some of the haggadah thoughts then? They don’t expire when Maggid ends.
In some families, the leader of the Seder or another adult will sneak out and return a few minutes later in a makeshift costume. They may pretend to be Pharaoh, Moshe, or a regular Jew on the night of Yetzias Mitzrayim. They then breathlessly proceed to share their firsthand story to the wide-eyed young children seated at the table, before bolting out the door.
I have done this at our Seder during the last few years. This year my sister-in-law informed me that her children have been telling their friends about my little acts, and that I better be ready with something new for this year. [Before doing the act it’s helpful to remind older children that the act isn’t for them and they shouldn’t sabotage it. It’s even better if they could act along with the adult.]
Other families have the custom to walk around the table with matzah over the shoulders, pretending to be Klal Yisroel on their way out of Mitzrayim.
Chazal mention dispensing nuts as an incentive to children for asking questions. My older brother brings bags of chocolate chips to the Seder and dispenses handfuls at a time to any child who asks any question throughout the Seder. [I think his children’s dentist recommended it.]
Rav Shlomo Zalman Aurebach zt’l was particular to explain every passage of the haggadah in a simple manner that everyone at the table could understand. The explanations weren’t detailed or lengthy. Rav Shlomo Zalman also held that the leader of the Seder must be particular to answer each of the questions of Mah Nishtana.
Perhaps most importantly, when the details of the geulah and the makkos are read, the leader of the Seder should stress that Hashem did this all for us because He loves us, because we are His children, and we are special! That is a good juncture to mention how Hashem continues to watch over us every day and in every facet of our lives. His love for us has never wavered.
A great way to really drive the point home is by sharing a personal story of hashgachah pratis, or of a family member who lived through their own galus and geulah. It’s also a great time to invite others at the table to share a brief personal anecdote where they felt the Yad Hashem. People, especially children, love to listen to stories.
I conclude by repeating the point I began with. The Seder is itself a producer of special memories and searing its imprint onto our neshamos. All of the ideas mentioned are just ways to add to that effect.
May we all merit fulfilling all the mitzvos and halachos properly, including the offering and eating of the Korbon Pesach.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.