Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
ANGER – Part V
In this article we will focus on some additional points parents can utilize in helping their children deal with their anger, as well as knowing when to seek outside help:
It is important to realize that anger is a ‘secondary emotion’. That means that there is always another emotion which preceded, and triggered, the anger. Anger can result from any one (or more) of the following emotions: shame, jealousy, embarrassment, disappointment, worry, guilt, frustration, sadness, or hurt. Each of these deserves an article unto itself. However, for the sake of brevity we will merely state that anger precipitated by shame or guilt cannot be dealt with in the same manner as anger resulting from frustration or sadness. It is therefore very important to seek to understand what the underlying cause of the child’s anger is. If there are repeated patterns and triggers, that must be the starting point for relating to and dealing with the child’s anger.
When someone consistently becomes angry that means he/she perceives the situation in an angry manner which is fueling the harsh response. Although there can be no doubt that people often feel angry when dealing with certain individuals, the statement “You made me mad!” is simply untrue. Unless someone knows how to enter someone else’s brain and manipulate his emotions there is no way anyone can make another person become angry. Rather, we become angry when we perceive an affront or feel threatened. “He didn’t make me mad” as much as my perception of what he said or did makes me feel mad.
We have automatic/immediate reactive thoughts in any given situation. The key to anger management is learning to challenge those immediate thoughts by replacing them with calming thoughts.
In order to help a child recognize and be aware of his thoughts we need to have patience to listen to his perspective about what occurred. Once we have a full picture we can gently suggest an alternative perspective of how to view the situation.
It is interesting that various Seforim suggest various segulos that help a person control their anger. Shelah Hakdosh says that when angry, one should hold onto his tzitzis. Rav Elya Lopian would fill his mouth with water so he could not speak. Reb Baruch Ber Leibowitz zt’l had a special ‘ka’as hat’ that he would don whenever he became angry.
I once heard from a talmid chochom that aside for the spiritual benefit of the segulos, there is a very practical psychological benefit to these segulos. Most anger responses are impulsive, irrational, and knee-jerk. Engaging in a segulah when one is angry diverts his attention from the cause of the anger. Through distraction from the emotional aspect one can achieve a degree of rationality.
We must always remember that, undoubtedly, a child’s greatest role models are his parents. I once heard a mother scream at her son – “You have a serious temper problem, and you better learn to deal with it!” If we don’t react well when we become angry that is an area we must work on if we want our children to react better to their anger.
It’s also very important for parents to know when they need to seek outside intervention and help for their temperamental child. Parents can surely help their children, and they are their childrens’ most important resource. However, the challenge of parenting is that we are so emotionally involved in our children’s lives. We have many dreams and hopes for our children, and when they struggle with certain issues it often triggers us. Once we are in an emotional state we are definitely unable to help our children deal with their emotions in the most optimal manner. In addition, some children require more time and individualized attention to help them work through their anger. A good therapist has the expertise and time (that’s what he/she is being paid for) to help the child in a very personal manner.
It is important to understand that the therapist-client relationship is a shidduch. The most important component is the feelings of security and trust and comfort. That can take time to develop. It is also important to realize that sometimes ‘the shidduch doesn’t work’. Even if a therapist was able to help someone else, that therapist may be unable to have that same connection with a different client.
Therapists can best help when they are provided with actual practical scenarios, gleaned from teachers and parents so they can be reenacted and discussed. Reviewing actual scenarios helps transform theoretical and vague ideas into real skills which he learns how to utilize and implement. If parents are bringing their child to a therapist, bear in mind that the parents ongoing input and involvement is invaluable.
We live in a world of heavy stigma and feelings of personal failure. It must be realized that it is not a parental failure to seek outside help. In fact, the opposite is true. It’s when parents do not seek help when their child needs it that they have been derelict in their duties. The wise parent does not beat themselves up about it, but seeks to continue to support and encourage his/her child, as much as possible.
Perhaps more than anything else we need to give our children hope that they can grow and learn to deal with their challenges. Seeing other adults who had temper issues as children but learned to control it, including hearing stories from parents and teachers about how they overcame similar challenges, is very helpful for a child.
We need to demonstrate to our children that we are confident that they can do it. When they feel we believe in them, it helps them rise to the occasion.
I would like to conclude this discussion with the following personal anecdote: A few years ago I spent some time working with a student who had a very loose temper
After a few months of working together he became a bar mitzvah. When I arrived at his bar mitzvah celebration, the bar mitzvah bochur excitedly related to me that a few days earlier he was walking and proudly wearing his brand new hat. Suddenly a wind blew his hat off of his head and straight into a puddle. He walked over to the hat, picked it up, and said to his father while shaking his head annoyedly, “You know, if not for all of those lessons I would probably lose my temper right now!”
I was amazed by the boy’s growth and it demonstrated to me that with proper guidance, patience, and direction, a person can learn to control his anger.
What’s more, they can learn to channel that inner passion and fire for Avodas Hashem to help others!
KEY POINTS
- Anger is a secondary emotion. We need to understand the primary/triggering emotion in order to deal with the anger.
- It is important to recognize when outside intervention is necessary.
- Give a child the feeling that he can learn to control his anger!
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. For speaking engagements he can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.