Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
ANGER – Part III
How do we help a child with an anger issue learn to control his anger so that it doesn’t control him?
In the first two segments we discussed the importance of a child recognizing that his temper is a problem for himself, giving the child confidence so that he can learn to control his anger, learning to identify the thought patterns of anger, and helping the child monitor his ‘anger level’.
Following are some other important points to discuss with the “Angry Child”:
Angry Glasses. Children love to wear colored sun glasses which make everything they view have a tinge of that color. It’s a great analogy to help a child realize that when he’s angry he’s looking at everything happening around him with “Anger Glasses”. [The truth is that we view everything that occurs through the prism of our emotions, not just anger.] Just as when someone wears green sunglasses it makes everything look green, when someone is angry he views everything in an angry and more negative manner.
For example, if a child is walking down the hall and someone steps on his foot, his emotional state at that time will ‘color’ how he processes and reacts to what occurred. If he’s in a good mood he may react benignly by mildly asking the perpetrator to be more careful. But if the child is in an angry mood he may become emphatic that the perpetrator did it maliciously and he may react in kind. All of the perpetrator’s claims that it was inadvertent will fall on deaf ears.
Fixed Thinking. When we are angry we also become very convinced that that we are right, and we have a hard time viewing the situation from another person’s perspective.
Impulsivity. When angry we become more impulsive and our reasoning becomes more irrational. The biggest challenge is that we are convinced that we are thinking clearly and that the way we reacted was rational and justifiable. It’s often not until we calm down that we can reflect and recognize that we weren’t as right as we first thought.
With younger children I show them a sketch of a human body and we circle together the parts of the body that may be affected when we become angry. This can include sweaty palms, tightening in stomach, clenched fists, gritted teeth, scowl, nose flaring, red face, sweating, etc. This too helps the child identify his anger so that he can learn to control it before it erupts.
Once the child has a decent understanding of anger, then we can offer him various tools to use to help him control his anger.
It’s helpful to have a full ‘toolbox’ of ideas. This way the child can decide which suggestion is most helpful to him in any given situation.
Following are a sampling of some helpful tips and ideas. Although some may sound overly simple, it’s still helpful to remind the child of his options:
- If possible, walk away from the problem. Give yourself time to calm down.
What emotion most often follows an angry outburst? Most will agree that it’s often sadness. We become sad about things we did or said while we were angry, or about unresolved issues which now only been exacerbated by our blowup.
If a child can remember that subsequent sadness before he loses himself, it can serve as a good reminder that he should walk away and calm himself down before he says/does something he may regret.
- Take deep breaths.
On a physical level, when we become angry, our heart beats faster and we feel a surge of energy. Deep breaths help regulate our rapid heart beat so that we can begin to relax and literally let out the intense energy coursing through us. If a child understands that dynamic he is more likely to try to do it.
- Count to ten.
As mentioned earlier, when angry we are impulsive and judgmental. Counting to ten helps ensure that we do not act to rash or impulsively. It gives us a moment to pause and slow down before we act.
- Divert attention away from source of anger – Exercise and/or have fun.
When we become angry we often get ‘stuck’ in it and cannot pull ourselves out. If someone falls into a pit, his instinct may be to keep digging vigorously to tunnel his way out, even though that is the worst thing he can do, because he will only end up digging himself into a deeper rut.
- Talk about it with someone who cares
- Put your feelings on paper.
For younger children it can be helpful to draw how they are feeling, for older children it can be helpful for them to write their feelings.
President Lincoln was known to write letters to his antagonists and those who angered him. But he never mailed those letters. Instead he placed them in his drawer and left them there. In this way he was able to vent his feelings in a controlled and healthy manner, without hurting anyone, or deepening any preexisting rifts.[1]
- Decide if the problem is worth getting upset about.
Not everything has to be made into an issue. Sometimes a child can realize afterwards that what he thought was a big deal, really isn’t so important, and he can just let it go.
- Discuss it with an adult you feel comfortable with.
Of course this option is there, but we want the child to have other options he can turn to first, and so we list this lasst.
We have left to discuss how parents should react to their explosive child? How should the parent react to the child’s blowups and how can they help their child learn how to deal with his/her own anger? We will address those questions in the next segment iyH.
KEY POINTS
- Help the child realize how his thinking and reactions change when he becomes angry
- Help the child recognize what happens to his body when he becomes angry
- Give the child as many practical options as possible of what he can do when he becomes angry
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. For speaking engagements he can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.
- My Rebbe, Rabbi Berel Wein, relates that he often would utilize President Lincoln’s approach. On one occasion his secretary inadvertently mailed out one such letter. Rabbi Wein braced himself but no reaction was forthcoming. A few weeks later the letter ‘returned to sender because of postage’. G-d had protected him. ↑