Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
ANGER – Part II
In our opening segment we noted that the first step to helping a child deal with anger is for the child to recognize that he has an anger problem and wants to be helped. It’s also important to give a child hope that he can learn to control his anger, and not vice-versa.
Anger can never be used as an excuse or justification for misbehavior or for lashing out at anyone else verbally or physically. The rule also is that no matter how angry someone is, he is always responsible for his actions! The fact that he acted out of anger only reinforces his need to work on learning how to control his anger.
We may tell a child who was really angry – “You may be completely right, but you still cannot act that way.” [1]
There are two components of “dealing with anger”. One is how we guide the child himself to better deal with his anger. The other is how we as parents and educators deal with the angry child.
We will first discuss what we can do to try to help the child.
The key to managing emotions lies in recognizing and ultimately controlling one’s thoughts. In a nutshell, the key to anger management lies in being able to identify one’s negative raging thoughts that he automatically thinks when angry. Those ruminating thoughts serve to fuel the anger and he needs to recognize those thoughts before he can begin to challenge them. Although it’s far easier said than done, it can be accomplished with guidance, practice, and effort.
There are certain companies that advertise “anger pillows” or similar products. If a person is angry at another individual he can put a picture of the person he is angry at inside the pillow. Then he can punch and beat the pillow with all his might as a way to vent his anger. Dr. Yitzy Schechter, PsyD, director of Psychology department at Bikur Cholim in Monsey, and a personal mentor, noted that he does not feel such tools are helpful. The goal of anger management is not accomplished by merely venting the rage inside like an out of control beast. Rather, it is accomplished by learning how to work through the inner rage and to release the explosive emotions in a productive manner. Exercise, going for a walk, playing sports, etc. are all productive ways of channeling that negative energy. Mindless venting on the other hand, may help for the moment, but definitely won’t help him in the long run.
One of the keys to helping children deal with their anger is by helping them become more aware of their anger. Volcanoes serve as an excellent model to help children understand this point. When I work with children who have anger control issues I have a conversation with the child about what a volcano is. This includes how the lava rises from a fissure in the earth and slowly rises through the volcano. As long as the lava remains below the surface it must be monitored, but it is not yet dangerous. Once it explodes however, nothing in its path is safe. I then discuss with the child in what way anger is like lava. Usually they understand and appreciate the analogy quite well.
Not only does the volcano model help the child conceptualize his anger and its toxic impact, it also helps the child consider where his own ‘lava level’ is at any given time. I often give the child a picture of a volcano with scale markings next to it, marked 10 to 100. 10 represents when the lava level is low and the child is almost perfectly calm, 100 represents losing his temper.
The child needs to recognize when his lava level is rising so he can work on calming techniques before he loses it. The lava model is a great way for the child to conceptualize how he is doing at any time.
It’s important to note that the ‘lava level’ automatically rises when the child is tired, not feeling well, or simply grumpy. So if a child is not feeling his best he needs to be wary of the fact that he is more vulnerable to being triggered.
A child can have different ‘lava levels’ in different locations and with different people. Certain classmates who the child perceives as a threat will automatically trigger the child’s lava level, as can certain classes or teachers.
What can a child do if he begins to feel his temper rising to ‘dangerous’ levels? How can parents/teachers react to an angry child? We will address those questions in the next segment iyH.
KEY POINTS
- A person is always responsible for his actions and comments – even when he is angry
- The key to managing emotions lies in learning to recognize and control one’s thoughts
- The volcano model is a great way for a child to conceptualize and measure his anger level at any time
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. For speaking engagements he can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.
- A few years ago I co-authored a compendium called “Anger: A guide for parents and teachers.” At that time I asked a few gedolim if we must teach children that anger is wrong, or if we should teach them that despite the fact that they may sometimes feel angry they must always be responsible for their actions.
All of the responses I received agreed that we cannot teach children that they must never feel anger. That is a level for such incredibly and unusually righteous individuals such as Hillel. But for us our goal is that we not allow our anger to consume us and dictate how we act. Despite the anger we feel we need to maintain our composure and proceed rationally. Whenever Chazal warned about the severity of anger, they were referring to one who acts out of anger, not one who merely felt angry. ↑