Our nine year old son has always been a somewhat difficult child. He is incredibly impulsive and is constantly getting into trouble. He is careless with his schoolwork and so his grades aren’t very good. Teachers are always commenting about his potential and how much better he can do if he just paid more attention. My husband and I feel like we are always reprimanding him and consequencing him. At the insistence of our son’s school we had him evaluated. He was diagnosed with ADHD.
Should we be treating him differently than his peers? How can we address his challenges and not destroy his self-esteem? Also, our son’s psychiatrist feels he would benefit from medication. But I have heard that there are many potential side effects. We simply aren’t sure what’s best for him.
As a rule, it is generally helpful to have an actual diagnosis because when you understand an issue you can better equip yourself to deal with it. The fact that you now know that your son has ADHD is definitely beneficial. The more you learn about ADHD yourself the more you will be able to know what to expect from him and how to best help him help himself.
Many children diagnosed with ADHD don’t really understand the nature and challenges of their own disorder. Often they only know that they take medicine because they cannot control themselves. But that is a sad mistake.
There was a student in one of the schools I worked in who went to the secretary each morning just before classes began to take medicine for ADHD. One day after she handed him his pill he asked her “Do you know what A-D-H-D is?”
The more the child himself understands his disorder the more he will be better equipped to deal with it.
ADHD is a mislabeled disorder. Dr Ed Hallowell, who himself has ADHD, notes that people who suffer from ADHD don’t actually have an attention deficit disorder but rather an attention surplus disorder.
There are numerous things happening all around us at all times. Most people can focus on one thing and basically block out the other things happening around them, even though they sense them in their periphery. Someone with ADHD however, has a very hard time filtering out what’s happening around him. So while listening to his teacher lecture, the ADHD child is also noticing a fly next to his desk, and listening to workers doing construction outside. Then when his teacher mentions an airplane in passing, in his mind he is already on the plane heading on a mental vacation.
The attention challenges are a mere facet of the disorder. In fact many experts now refer to the disorder as Executive Functioning Disorder, because that seems to better describe the disorder.
Dr Hallowell quips that having ADHD is like having a Lexus engine with Chevy brakes. He adds that it is the role of the child’s parents and educators to strengthen the child’s brakes.
People with ADHD have terrible organizational skills. Despite the fact that ADHD kids may be very intelligent, they often do poorly in school, especially in math and writing, because they have such a hard time paying attention to detail.
Furthermore, many ADHD children are constantly sent out of class because they blurt out very disturbing comments or act in disturbing manners, often without even realizing what they did. In the words of one educator: “The motto of ADHD kids is “Ready? Fire! Aim!”
Case in point: I had an ADHD student who every Wednesday morning right in the middle of class would suddenly scream out “It’s Wednesday! Pizza for lunch; yesssss!” It was extremely disruptive especially because the class would often burst into laughter. That is just one of many examples.
As a parent or educator it is important to realize this point because many things that an ADHD child will say can be taken as chutzpah, when it’s more a result of their impulsivity. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be held accountable, but there is undoubtedly a difference between how one deals with chutzpah and how one deals with impulsivity.
Parents of ADHD children are often unsure of whether to medicate their child, as you are. It is a question that needs to be dealt with on an individual basis with all things considered. It should be noted however, that just as there often are side effects that result from taking ADHD medications, when a child feels he is out of control and is constantly getting sent out of class and has a sense that he is unwanted in class or at home, that has very severe side effects as well.
Dr Susan Schulman notes that for an ADHD child whose brain is not quite suited for a mainstream classroom, there are two main possibilities to educate the child: Either tailor the educational environment to be ideal for the child or tailor the child’s mind to be able to be fit into the existing educational environment. The first approach is not very cost effective or feasible for most. The second approach entails using medication to help slow down the neurons that are firing too quickly in the child’s brain so that he has the ability to think twice and not be so impulsive before he acts.
It must also be noted that medication is not a panacea. Some children respond better to certain medications and certain doses than others. There are also a small minority of students who aren’t helped by medication at all. Medication must always be taken under the direction and guidance of a doctor.
In addition, if an ADHD child begins taking medication and it is effective, that is the ideal time to initiate sessions with a therapist who can help him understand what ADHD is, how the medicine can help him help himself, and other strategies and ideas that can help him deal with his challenges.
We will present some practical ideas for handling the ADHD child in part II.
KEY POINTS
- ADHD is an Executive Functioning Disorder and we need to help the child understand what that means
- We must be sensitive to the challenges of ADHD
- We must help the ADHD child with limits and boundaries
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.