“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Ki Savo
15 Elul 5786/ August 28, 2026
Avos perek 3-4
WHEN & WHERE
I never had a schedule on two consecutive days that were so at odds with each other as I did last week. Last Thursday was the final day of Color War at Camp Dora Golding. One of my responsibilities in camp is to create and direct the Judges’ Skit during the Grand Sing. Anyone who has ever attended summer camp knows how memorable the Grand Sing of Color War is. It is one of the highlights of the summer and, in a sense, the crescendo. Theres a great deal of energy and emotion generated as campers and staff sing together intensely arm-in-arm, in the hope of winning Color War.
The Judges’ skit is meant to be humorous, a parody of many events of the summer and a spoof of previous plays and skits, all mixed into one. The administrators of camp emerge in ridiculous costumes, and the skit serves as comedic relief for the intensity of the night. I spent much of Wednesday and Thursday working on the skit.
I left camp after the announcements of the Color War scores in the wee hours of Friday morning and arrived home at around 3 am.
I didn’t have much time to sleep because the next morning we had to prepare for our son Shalom’s aufruf. My wife had left camp at the beginning of week, and was busy preparing all week, with myriad details and arrangements. I only jumped into the afruf scene that morning.
Shabbos was beautiful and special. But it was not easy to shift from camp mode to simcha mode. Not only did I have to change my clothing, I also had to quickly change my mindset from comedy skit coordinator to father of the chosson.
Then on Motzei Shabbos, after saying goodbye to the mechutanim to be and the other friends and relatives who joined for Shabbos, I headed back to camp for the final two days. Again I had to rapidly shift modes, this time back into camp mode.
On Monday afternoon, after the buses left and camp officially ended, I packed up the bungalow, which included doing a couple of loads of laundry. My wife remained at home to prepare for the chasunah.
The truth is that a chasunah itself always contains somewhat erratic emotional shifts. There is unparalleled simcha of the marriage with intense dancing and singing. But intermingled with the simcha is the emotional moments of the chuppah. For the chosson and Kallah it is a moment analogous to Yom Kippur, and for everyone else there it is bittersweet, with the glaring absence of relatives who have already passed on.
It’s not just an intriguing phenomenon. In a sense it’s the greatest preparation for married life. In marriage, as in life, we are confronted with many different experiences and feelings, often simultaneously. The challenge is to conduct ourselves properly in every situation.
It seems strange that the word we use for character traits is “middos”. The word middah literally means measurement. The Torah relates about the dimensions of the various vessels of the Mishkan, referring to those dimensions as middos. For example, the Torah says, “middah achas l’chol hayirios – the same measure for all the curtains” (Shemos 27:2).
What do character traits have to do with measurements?
In fact, referring to character traits as middos contains a profound message. There are middos that are generally negative, and other middos that are generally positive. But there is no such thing as a middah that is universally good or universally bad.
For example, the middah of rachmanus – compassion is generally a positive middah. In fact, the gemara (Yevamos 79a) says that being compassionate is one of three traits that are the hallmark of a Jew.
However, misplaced compassion can be disastrous.
The Medrash states: “Anyone who has mercy on a cruel person will end up being cruel to a merciful person.” Shaul Hamelech had compassion and spared the life of Agag, king of Amalek, which allowed for the continuation of the progeny of Amalek. Generations later, when Agag’s descendant, Haman, was begging for his life from Shaul’s descendant, Queen Esther, it was her responsibility to turn a deaf ear towards Haman’s pleas. If she would have been compassionate to Haman at that moment, it would have been a disaster for the Jewish people.
As another example, arrogance is viewed as a terrible character trait. In fact, the Orchos Tzaddikim begins by relating that arrogance was ‘invalidated’ by G-d Himself.
Yet the gemara (Sotah 5a) says a talmid chochom must have an eighth of an eighth of arrogance. When people ridicule his efforts to serve Hashem, he must gird himself with religious pride to ignore their jeers.
Character traits are called middos, because every character trait is necessary. The challenge is to be able to know the correct measure of when each trait is necessary. A ba’al middos is one who is in control of his character traits and utilizes them appropriately in every situation.
Rabbi Moshe Wolfson zt”l related a beautiful reason behind the custom that a choson gives his kallah a diamond ring. The Ramak writes that each middah is represented by a different color (Ohr Ne’erav 6:4:10). In a diamond one can see every color reflected in its prism. The base color, however, is white. In order to foster a healthy marriage both spouses need to possess a combination of all character traits at different times. But the universal and fundamental middah required is chessed, represented by the color white!
Marriage, like everything else in life, requires balance and proper perspective. Every middah is required at different times. One must be wise to know the measure of each character trait necessary in every situation.
Whether life calls upon us to direct the Color War skit or to be the distinguished father of the chosson, we have to do our best to fulfill our role. Still, it would be nice if we were able to get a little bit of sleep during that time.
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum
STRIVINGHIGHER.COM