“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh Parshas Vayetzei 5785
5 Kislev 5785/ December 6, 2024
Please daven for Ahuvah Leah bas Yosifa Beracha –
serious medical situation and in need of tefillos.
TO THE DOOR
For the last number of years, I have uploaded a brief video d’var Torah on the weekly parsha to Torahanytime.com. The videos are entitled “Instant Inspiration.”
Last week, I shared the following thought for the weekly Instant Inspiration video:
In Parshas Toldos the Torah relates that Rivkah instructed her son Yaakov to appear before Yitzchak to “usurp” the berachos before they were given to Eisav. Yaakov was justifiably hesitant but acquiesced to Rivkah’s insistence. Rivkah prepared meat the way Yitzchak liked it and dressed Yaakov in a garment that gave him a hairy exterior like Eisav.
The Midrash (Bereishis Rabbah 65:17) states that Rivkah accompanied Yaakov up to Yitzchak’s door. At that point she said to Yaakov, “Until now I was responsible for you. From this point and onward your Creator will sustain you.”
My rebbe, Rabbi Berel Wein, noted that this Medrash is a symbolic depiction of parenting. As parents we care for our children’s every need throughout their youth. But there comes a point, when we reach the metaphorical door, when we are forced to convey to our children the message that we have taken them as far as we can. From here onward they must proceed on their own and it is their Creator who will sustain them.
This doesn’t mean that parents completely disappear from the scene, much as Rivkah was still alive for many more years after Yaakov received the berachos. But Yaakov had to proceed without her direct intervention. In addition, Rivkah gave no indication to Yaakov that it would be easy or smooth sailing. Yaakov would have to deal with the vicissitudes he would encounter to the best of his ability.
As parents we try to infuse within our children a firm foundation for life. The goal is for them to be able to proceed into the vast world, with continued prayer that our efforts have been successful.
It’s also a classic example of how contemporary the messages of the Torah and Chazal are.
On Thursday mornings while driving to yeshiva, my son Shalom, who is currently learning in the Mir in Yerushalayim, calls me. At the end of our weekly “catching up” conversation I share a d’var Torah on the Parsha.
Last week I shared with Shalom the idea I had recorded for the Instant Inspiration video. Being that it was Thanksgiving morning and shachris in yeshiva began later, I was still home when I spoke to Shalom and my wife overheard the message.
The following morning, when I walked into my house after shachris (it was an off-Shabbos and there was no yeshiva) my wife was on the phone with Shalom. She looked at me with a sly grin and then told Shalom that she wanted to share a d’var Torah with him.
She proceeded to tell him about an obscure Medrash that says that Rivkah accompanied Yaakov to Yitzchak’s door but then told him she couldn’t proceed any further. But then, as Yaakov prepared to enter Yitzchak’s room in an incredibly intense moment, Rivka burst in after him and called out, “Yaakov, this is too hard for you! I’m going to take care of everything. You just stand here and I’ll make sure you get the berachos. Then I’ll smooth things out with Eisav. Don’t worry zeeskeit, it’ll all be good.”
Although my wife was joking there’s a basis for her falsified Medrash.
The term “helicopter parenting” has been in vogue for some time. But in more recent years helicopter parenting has been upended by “snowplow parenting”.
A 2019 New York Times article explains it this way:
“Helicopter parenting, the practice of hovering anxiously near one’s children, monitoring their every activity, is so 20th century. Some affluent mothers and fathers now are more like snowplows: machines chugging ahead, clearing any obstacles in their child’s path to success, so they don’t have to encounter failure, frustration or lost opportunities.”
Snowplow parents overprotect their kids by fighting their battles for them.
Although it comes from deep love and concern for one’s child, snowplow parents often produce children who have low frustration tolerance, poor problem-solving skills, lack self-efficacy (also known as learned helplessness) and have increased anxiety. They are made to feel that they are too incompetent to take care of their own lives. That lack of confidence invariably becomes their reality.
The words of the Medrash are a stark reminder to all parents. If we want our children to be able to traverse the threshold of the metaphoric doors of life on their own, we have to parent them in a way that best prepares them to do so. In a sense that is the role and goal of parenting. We bring our children as far as we can with Herculean efforts to instill within them the courage and fortitude to proceed yonder without us.
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum
Strivinghigher.com