“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Tazria-Metzora
19th day of the Omer – Avos perek
2
4 Iyar 5781/April 16, 2021
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לרפואה שלימה נטע יצחק בן רחל
MAH NISHTANAH 2021
I wrote
and sent out the questions on Pesach. I am now resending together with my response:
Dad, I have a
few questions that have been bothering me recently. I hope you won’t take them
personally:
Why is our
family different from other families in our neighborhood?
1.
Other families make beautiful extensions on their homes, buy new luxury
cars every few years, and have careers and portfolios that are constantly
expanding. Why are they growing and expanding while we seem to be stuck, flat
like a matzah?
2.
Other families seem to have really exciting lives. I see the Instagram and
Facebook feeds of my friends and classmates, and they always seem to be having
fun and happy. Even when we do the same things it always seems like they are
doing it better. Why are their lives so varied and exciting while our lives
seem bland and even bitter like marror?
3.
Why do so many other families seem to get whatever they want so easily?
Their kids get in to the best yeshivos and seminaries and then find the best
shidduchim, while our family has to settle for whatever we get and even that is
only after pulling strings and using connections. Why do they seem to be able
to submerge themselves in everything they want while we can barely dip into
what we want?
4.
So many other families went to exotic places for Pesach, midwinter and
other vacations, including Miami, Cancun and Dubai. It was practically
obligatory that we at least go to Orlando this year, and yet we didn’t. Why do
those families get to recline in the sun while we have to sit here at home?
I don’t mean any
disrespect Dad, but if you and Mom can please answer these questions which
really gnaw at me, I would be very appreciative.
A Possible Response[1]
Since
the question was asked using the format utilized in the Haggadah, I will try to
reply in the same vein.[2]
I have
to begin with an uncomfortable confession: I’m not coming to answer these
questions only for you, my child. I need to answer them for myself as well, (and
maybe even more so). Even if I’m not bothered by the things you asked me about,
there are invariably other things people have or do that I feel frustrated,
jealous or resentful that I don’t have.[3]
So, my child,
the question is legitimate, and the struggle means you are human and have
normal emotions. The Torah demands that we not be jealous. However, we have no
chance of living up to that standard unless we are honest about our feelings.
We need to struggle within ourselves to overcome the natural jealousy we often
feel. But we must realize that it’s a process. Our task is to be willing to
undergo the arduous process in order to overcome our natural faults.[4]
In their
great wisdom and insight, our Sages teach us that desire and jealousy have no
limit.[5]
We delude ourselves into thinking that we’ll be happy and satisfied with the next
million or the next gadget or vacation. But that’s only until we get
what we wanted and realize that we then want the next amenity or luxury
and are convinced that then we will really be happy and satisfied – this
time for real.
It’s
been said that everyone is trying to find the city of happiness but failing to
realize that happiness is actually a state of mind! When we are taught that true
wealth belongs to the one who is happy with his portion[6], we
think it’s cute, but trite. We fail to realize that those timeless words
contain the key to what we are constantly searching for. The more important
question then is how we can train ourselves to be happy with what we
have.
A wise
mentor taught me that jealousy is the result of being self-focused and focusing
on our wants and desires. The way to counter that is by focusing outwards by
thinking positively about others. He noted that whenever a feeling of jealousy
sets in, he immediately prays that the object of his jealousy should be happy
and enjoy what he has, and that G-d help him be happy with what he has.
He added
that even though it feels fake and disingenuous it doesn’t discourage him.
Since he truly aspires to feel and think that way, trying to develop that
mindset is an integral part of the process.
This
idea may not ‘cure’ us. But it slowly helps us challenge our automatic emotions
so that we can be better and happier people.[7]
Here’s
another important idea: Count your blessings! Write down three things your
grateful for today. You’ve likely heard that idea before but may be skeptical.
But the reality is that doing so is transformational. Within a few weeks your
mood and attitude will begin to change. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money
back![8]
Finally,
like with every other worthy endeavor in life, we need to daven that G-d help us
be happy with what we have and that we be able to overcome our jealousy.
It’s
often been said that it’s far easier to take a Jew out of exile than it is to
take exile out of a Jew.
Each one
of us was taken out of Mitzrayim with personal love and a personal mission and
direction. If we spend our lives looking at whatever everyone else has, we will
have never really left the Egypt within us. Part of faith demands that we
believe that G-d provides each of us with what is best for us to have.[9]
With
that in mind, the answer to your contemporary Mah Nishtana really is the
same as the answer given to the Mah Nishtana of the Haggadah: “We were
slaves (to Pharaoh in Egypt) and G-d took us out.” He took each of us out and
each of us has our own direction and purpose.
We are
all locked in our own person Egypts but the door is open for us to leave
proudly if we are willing to invest the effort and have the confidence to
achieve personal redemption.
Redemption
is a process, especially the redemption from our own constrictions and
character flaws. Let’s embark upon and endure the journey together!
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos
R’ Dani and Chani Staum
[1] Keeping in mind our limited attention spans
(especially of our youth), in order to keep the response at a minimum, I have
relegated many important points to footnotes.
[2] The haggadah teaches us that all answers must be
tailored to the questioner based on the intellectual, spiritual, and emotional capacity
of the questioner, and the manner in which the question is asked. There are
four sons at the Seder and four different approaches utilized. Therefore, the
approach to answering these difficult questions must be individualized as well.
The following ideas should only be understood as possible points for discussion.
[3] I want to normalize and validate the question and
laud my child for having the courage to ask it. The reality is that most of us
struggle with jealousy. However, we often mask feelings of jealousy with religious
zeal or other rationalizations. For example, when attending a posh wedding people
may angrily announce to their fellow tablemates, “Why are they wasting so much
money on making this fancy wedding? Do you know how many poor people they could
support instead of having carving stations and a whole orchestra tonight?”
Who
wants to admit the truth about feeling jealous? It’s far easier to make myself
feel better by pretending that I am holier than thou – thou being the one who
could afford luxuries I can only dream of.
Validating
the question also has the important benefit of allowing my child to feel
comfortable discussing uncomfortable topics with me.
[4] I should add that there’s an approach I do NOT want
to take with my child: “You think it’s all glamorous. But really those people
aren’t so happy. You don’t know the struggles they face. Their life might look
perfect on the outside but really they have major problems.”
I
don’t think that is the optimal response. It’s undoubtedly true that we don’t
know what is going on behind closed doors, and everyone has their share of
challenges. It’s also important to
convey to our children (and ourselves) that the images portrayed on social
media don’t reflect the real truth of what’s happening in other people’s lives.
Social media doesn’t display reality, but rather the reality that the host
wants the viewers to see.
However,
to teach my child that the way to deal with jealously is to assume anyone who
has more than you has their own issues, is just another unhealthy way of trying
to assuage my own feelings of jealousy. It’s essentially mentally putting the
other person down in order to make me feel better about my underprivileged
situation. There’s gotta be a better way!
[5] Koheles Rabbah 3:12 – “No one dies having ascertained
(even) half of his desires”; and the more one has
the more one wants (“One who has one maneh wants two”).
[6] Avos 4:1 “Who is wealthy? One who is happy with his
portion.”
[7] Contemplate the following: Two different people
inherit a box containing fifty million dollars. They both go to their backyards
and walk twenty paces from their house and dig ten feet down and place the box containing
their riches in the ground. The first person has no idea that his neighbor saw
him, and a half hour later dug up the box and stole everything. Meanwhile, the
second person was a nervous wreck that someone was going to steal it and he
couldn’t stop thinking about it. The next night he mistakenly walked ten paces
and dug twenty feet down. Obviously, the box wasn’t there. For the rest of his
life he never stopped mourning and bemoaning his fate that he had lost his
wealth, all the while not realizing that it was right where he put it.
Meanwhile, the first fellow was content with the knowledge that his wealth was
safe and secure, and he never bothered to check if it was still there.
Who would you rather be
– the millionaire who was miserable because he thought he was a pauper, or the
pauper who lived his life in blissful happiness thinking he was a millionaire?
Who is truly the wealthier and more satisfied person?
[8] Dennis Prager notes that we all suffer from “missing
tile syndrome”. If someone is sitting in a room, looking up at a tiled ceiling,
and there is one tile missing, that’s where he focuses his vision. He doesn’t
notice all the other perfect tiles.
Prager
notes that doing so undermines our happiness, because we are always focusing on
the missing tiles in our lives. Our choice is whether we focus on the tiles we
do have, or on the ones we’re missing that we see others have. The answer to
that question largely determines how happy we feel.
[9] The Chofetz Chaim once asked someone who he was
doing, the fellow replied that he was doing well but a little more money
couldn’t hurt. The Chofetz Chaim replied “how do you know?”