“RABBI’S MUSINGS (&
AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Shelach
25 Sivan 5782/June 24, 2022
Mevorchim Chodesh Tammuz – Avos perek 3
לזכר נשמת חו”מ נטע
יצחק בן אלכסנדר
THE GREAT LIE
Dedicated in honor of Avi Staum’s
graduation from Yeshiva of Spring Valley.
“And let me conclude, dear graduates, by saying that as
you go forth from the hallowed halls of our institution, know that life bears
many vicissitudes and unknowns. But fear not! The educational fortitude you
have received during your years here will stand for you in good stead. We are
confident that you will be able to proceed into the vagaries of life with
conviction and fortitude and to accomplish great things. Know this – the world
is now open before you and you can become anything and do anything. Dream big,
graduates, pursue your dreams, and make us proud.”
End of pontification. Time for crowd to wake up and
applaud politely.
‘You can be anything you set your mind to be’ is one of
the great lies often touted. It sounds nice, but it’s simply not true!
The hackneyed graduation message can be chalked together
with the message of entrepreneurs who have become incredibly successful. In
podcasts and articles, they tell us if they were able to do it so can you, and
it’s as simple as following their 3 or 4 step plan. Just purchase their book or
program and, before you know it, you’ll be fabulously wealthy too. Then you’ll
be able to peddle the same lie, about being able to procure quick and easy wealth,
to others.
The reality is that there is a predestined path for every
one of us. We are not amorphous entities ready to be shaped into anything we
desire. We are granted unique and particular personalities, talents, and
limitations. The family and community into which we were born as well as the
generation into which we were born both shape and limit the trajectory of our
lives.
When a five-year-old is asked what he wants to be when he
grows up he may reply that he’s going to become a fireman, policeman and
doctor, and possibly invest real estate or become an entrepreneur on the side.
Part of maturity is recognizing that we are limited in
the choices we can make. In addition, every choice we make is an act of
exclusion, choosing one thing is to the exclusion of everything else. Many
people have a significantly hard time making choices because they are hard
pressed to close the door on all other possibilities.
Our biggest challenge is more about how we deal with the
cards dealt with, than about choosing the cards we are dealt.
This week, 30 Sivan, is the yahrtzeit of my Bubby,
Rebbitzin Fruma (Frances) Kohn a’h. I was blessed to have my Bubby for the
first four decades of my life and that my children knew her, if even slightly.
In her youth, my Bubby and most of her family survived Siberia and the horrors
of World War II. After being liberated from Siberia, she met my Zaydei and
eventually made their way together to the United States.
A few years later, my Zaydei was offered to be the Rabbi
of the prestigious Slonimer shul on the Lower East Side. At first my Bubby
cried at the mere prospect of becoming the Rebbitzin of a sizeable
congregation. It wasn’t what she had “signed up for”. But eventually she
embraced it and fulfilled the role for two decades with aplomb. She would cook
each week for Shabbos, never knowing how many guests would return home with my
Zaydei from shul. Their apartment was a welcoming place for all different types
of Jews. It’s amazing how much delicious food and warmth emanated from that
minuscule kitchen on the Lower East Side.
I should add that in the 1970s the shul’s membership
dwindled until the shul was forced to close its doors and sell the building.
After that my Zaydei became a kashrus mashgiach.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve often wondered how hard that
must have been for my grandparents. I was born well after my Zaydei had left
the rabbinate. My memories of him are of his ever-present warmth and sense of
humor. If there was any bitterness no one ever saw it.
The real question in life is how we respond to each
situation. My grandparents came from a generation that had far less choices
than we are privy to. Though we may have more options, we too often find
ourselves in different situations than we had envisioned for ourselves.
We may not be able to be anything and everything we want
to be. But we can choose how we proceed in every circumstance and what our
attitude and perspective is.
Perhaps the more accurate message we can convey to our graduates
is:
“Dear Graduates – the serpentine paths of life may not
always lead you where you expected. Nevertheless, we are confident that you
will be able to proceed into the vagaries of life with conviction and fortitude
and to accomplish great things. Dream big, graduates, pursue your dreams. But
remember that even when our dreams are not fulfilled, Hashem is leading us on a
path tailor made for our greatest growth and spiritual accomplishment.”
Shabbat
Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum