“RABBI’S MUSINGS (&
AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Naso
11 Sivan 5782/June 10, 2022
Avos perek 1
לזכר נשמת חו”מ נטע
יצחק בן אלכסנדר
BENEATH THE SURFACE
Among the list of things we take for granted is our
dishwasher. What a gift to be able to place dirty dishes inside it, push a few
buttons to run a cycle and then open the door to find all the dishes fresh and
clean.
Of course, the cure for taking things for granted is when
we run into a problem with the device. One day recently we ran out of the
specialized soap pellets for the dishwasher. Our cleaning help surveyed the
problem and figured that if we don’t have the pellets, she could just add
liquid dishwashing soap.
Our younger children were delighted when they come into
the kitchen shortly after to find bubbles rapidly oozing out from the sides of
the dishwasher. It took a great deal of bubble cleaning and running a few
cycles before our dishwasher was successfully ‘debubblized’.
We often tell our children that when someone bothers
them, they should just ignore it. While there is merit to that idea, at times
it can be unproductive. When a person is constantly angry and doesn’t know how
to handle their intense feelings, over time just squelching them can have
negative consequences. This is all the more true with children who have harder
time navigating their emotions.
I often tell clients that there are two vital ideas
regarding emotions to bear in mind. The first is that we need to notice and
respect our emotions. Our immediate emotions are generally automatic. We can
learn a great deal about ourselves when we pay attention to our emotions in any
given situation. We may wish that we didn’t feel a certain way. But wishing
away an emotion doesn’t negate its reality.
In fact, this is an integral part of being honest with
ourselves. Often, we convince ourselves that we don’t feel something because
it’s not socially or even morally acceptable. Yet the feeling lingers beneath
the surface. Until we are willing to admit it, we will be unable to confront it
and contend with it.
A simple example would be if one feels envious of
another’s success. It’s hard to admit to feeling jealous. After all, jealousy
feels petty and is also forbidden by the Torah. But it’s only if one faces the
fact that he feels jealous that he can begin to try to exorcise those feelings.
At the same time, we must also bear in mind that emotions
don’t always reflect reality. Although I may feel a certain way, and I need to
be candid about those feelings, just because I feel them doesn’t mean my
feelings are correct. Just because I feel angry at someone for something they
did doesn’t necessarily mean that the person was wrong or deserving of my ire.
These seemingly paradoxical ideas are very much part of
our reality.
When I was an elementary school social worker, students
would often meet with me to discuss their frustration with another student who
was bothering them. (It was not a bullying situation.) They would often begin
by telling me, “I tried to ginore him but he’s not stopping.” (I noticed
that quite a few children think the word ignore is pronounced ginore…) Their
frustration and anger were compounded by the fact that after following
instructions to “just ignore it” it didn’t make them feel any better.
Learning to ignore is incredibly important, but it’s part
of being able to forgive and move on. If one is not able to actually let it go,
pretending it doesn’t bother him will not alleviate the problem.
I tell younger children about a cat named Fester who is
often forced to stay under the carpet. The longer he is kept under the carpet
the angrier he becomes. Eventually he bursts out and begins running around
madly, often even hurting people. Keeping Fester under the carpet is a recipe
for disaster.
For us too, allowing feelings to fester by sweeping them
under the carpet, only compounds the problem.
In marriage too, we are taught how important it is to
forgive and forget. However, at times we may be unable to do so for whatever
reason. If we shove down the unaddressed feelings, they will not disappear but
may resurface in more unpleasant ways later on. We may try to ignore feelings
because it’s uncomfortable to address them. But doing so causes them to fester.
If we try to pour soap on our emotional dirt and quickly
shut the door on them, we will have to deal with the mess that will unwittingly
ooze out from the sides. To fix the problem we have to face the problem. It may
not be pleasant in the moment, but there’s a much better chance that the
situation will be able to be resolved, fresh and clean.
Shabbat
Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum