Striving Higher

Parshas Chukas 5781

 

 “RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”

Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Chukas

8 Tamuz 5781/June 18, 2021

Avos perek 5

 

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לרפואה שלימה נטע יצחק בן רחל

 

SO EASY

 

            It happens all the time. Our family will be guests enjoying a Shabbos meal at
the home of friends and I or my wife will tell the hostess that one of the dishes,
perhaps a dessert, looks delectable and is particularly delicious. The hostess
will invariably respond “Oh! It was so easy to make! Really, it was nothing! It
looks so fancy, but it took like 5 minutes. It’s the simplest thing. I saw it
in last week’s – (whichever magazine). I’ll give you the recipe after Shabbos!”
 

            Whenever
I have repeated this observation, the response is always a hearty laugh and agreement
that that is indeed a common occurrence.

            I have a
suspicion that part of the motivation for this ubiquitous response stems from our
inability to accept compliments well. How often does someone remark to another
that their house is beautiful, or their children are wonderful, and the recipient
replies with a thank you followed by a reason why it/they are not quite as
great as they seem. The same holds true when someone tells a friend that he/she
looks great/beautiful.  

            A
friend related that he was sitting next to an elderly seasoned educator at a
dinner. A woman who was a former student came over to the educator and, after exchanging
pleasantries, remarked that he looked great. After she left, the educator
turned to my colleague and quipped that he has noticed that there are three stages
in life – youth, middle age, and “you look great!”

            Why do
we have such a hard time accepting compliments?

            Vulnerability
seems to be a big part of it. We are afraid that if our talents, possessions,
or other gifts of our life are placed in the spotlight, it may become clear
that we are undeserving of the praise or compliments. We may feel that we didn’t
sufficiently earn the compliment or praise being directed at us. By pointing
out the deficiencies or minimizing our accomplishments we seek to deflect the praise,
making us feel less vulnerable or exposed by the compliment.    

            Rabbi Yitzy
Hurwitz was a dynamic and active rabbi in California when he was diagnosed with
ALS at the age of 41. Since then, the disease has robbed him of virtually of
all his physical abilities.
Unable to speak or
type, Rabbi Hurwitz uses his eyes to communicate with a computer including writing
a weekly Torah column. His continued will to live and to do the best with
what he has is incredibly inspiring.

            Mrs.
Dina Hurwitz, the wife of Rabbi Yitzy Hurwitz, has become an inspirational speaker.
She captivates audiences by being real about the ongoing challenges and
struggles she deals with on a daily basis because of her husband’s debilitating
condition.

            In one
of her talks Mrs. Hurwitz noted that Rabbi Akiva taught the mitzvah of ‘v’ahavta
l’reiacha kaomcha
– love your friend like yourself’ to a generation in
which people appreciated themselves and had a healthy self-image.  Rabbi Akiva instructed them to love others as
much as they love themselves.

            Our generation
however, struggle with a low self-image and lack of appreciation and recognition
of our uniqueness. That’s why we are all trying to be everyone else, yearning
to find that elusive life of perfection we think everyone else has.

            We suffer
from
an inner critic, a little persistent voice within us, that we often don’t
even notice, which tells us nasty and negative things about ourselves. Such negative
self-talk can include things such as, “
I’m not good at this, so I shouldn’t even try”, or harsher, “I
can never do anything right!” Those internal messages limit our ability to
believe in ourselves or our abilities. The meanest comments said are the ones
we say to ourselves.

            These negative messages are also at the root of “imposter syndrome” a common feeling that people do not
feel worthy of their accomplishments or of the image people have of them. They
live in fear of being “exposed”.  

            Still, most
of us try to be pleasant and say nice things to others. We compliment and praise
our neighbors and friends and seek to make them feel good.

            Mrs. Hurwitz suggested that
to our generation Rabbi Akiva might have said that we should strive to love ourselves
and demonstrate love for ourselves as much as we love and show our love for
others. Today’s mandate is, vahavta lachem k’reiacha – love yourself
like (you love) your friend.  

            It generally doesn’t seem to be humility when one
minimizes or shrugs off a compliment. We need to appreciate the blessings we
have and to recognize our internal worthiness. It’s wonderful to share an easy
recipe but it’s not wonderful to shrug off how much we invest and strive to grow
constantly. It’s not so easy to balance all the external and internal turmoil
in our lives. Let’s appreciate our own efforts and learn to say a sincere thank
you when we are complimented for our efforts.

 

            Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,

            R’ Dani and Chani Staum       

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