“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh parshas Toldos 5787
3 Kislev 5786/ November 13, 2026
LASTING EDUCATION
Recently I met a friend and colleague who is the menahel of a prestigious elementary yeshiva in the Monsey area. Our conversation naturally included education. My friend noted that he often tells parents that they should never allow their relationship with their child to be based on the child’s performance in school.
He shared that as menahel at times he has to call a mother to inform her that her child misbehaved and received a disciplinary measure. At times the mother becomes extremely agitated with the child and asks the menahel what she should do when her son comes home. The menahel related that he replies that she should give her child a cookie and a hug. The school already dealt with it and did the mother the biggest favor. Now she can have an easier time maintaining a positive relationship with her son. This is not to say that the child’s behavior should be excused or condoned. But now the parent can express his/her disapproval and move on.
In the beginning of one of his books, noted educator, Rick Lavoie, has a dedication page that contains the following quote from author Toni Morrison: “The greatest gift that a mother can give to her child is to have her face light up whenever the child enters the room.”
The reality is that every child wants to give his parents nachas. But when a child feels that he just can’t make his parents proud, he eventually gives up!
It’s never healthy for a person to feel like a failure day in and day out. When a child consistently does not perform well in school, that immediately places him in an emotional danger zone. The reality is that a child spends most of his day and most his days at school. When he feels like he cannot be successful, it shatters him internally.
I would add that as a high school rebbe, I have seen my share of students who did okay in elementary school, but when they entered high school, things unraveled very quickly. It often turned out that they had an underlying academic challenge that had gone undetected. In elementary school they were able to slip by without the issue being noticed. They may have developed into the class clown to divert attention from the challenge they were trying to cover up. But when high school started, they could no longer hide their issue and their academic struggles burst to the fore.
It’s never easy, but a parent has to try to understand his child if he wants to develop a meaningful relationship with the child. There is hardly anything more important.
The Torah relates that Yitzchak Avinu wanted to confer his blessings upon Eisav. Prior to doing so, he summoned Eisav and told him (Bereishis 27:4), “Make for me delicious food the way I love it.”
We can hardly imagine a great tzaddik calling over a waiter and asking that he bring him “one of those juicy steaks, done really well, the way I like it.” Yitzchak Avinu is far greater than anyone we can imagine. Was he so into his food as to refer to steak the way he loves it?
The answer is that Yitzchak didn’t love steak. Rather Yitzchak loved Eisav and he wanted to connect with his wayward son. Appreciating the hunted meat Eisav prepared, was the way he could connect with Eisav, in the hopes of maintaining a connection with him.
In his book about chinuch, With Hearts Full of Love, Rav Matisyahu Salomon zt”l notes that the Shabbos table must be a place of joy and warmth. “The children should be happy. The father should say a Torah thought on the parashah. They should sing zemiros. They should enjoy the good food. It should be a festive time, not a strained and pressurized experience. The home should not be made an extension of the classroom, and certainly the Shabbos table should not be drawn into the equation. If you want to test the children about what they learned in school, it would be best to find another time to do it and to do it in a friendly, nonthreatening manner.
“The schools should do all their teaching in school. The home should be a place of refuge for the children, a place to relax and unwind after a long and exhausting day in school. If a father wants to learn with his son, and if it works well for the two of them, and if the son also wants to learn with his father, then they should learn together for as long as they both find it enjoyable. Otherwise, children should be allowed to be children at home. Anything that interferes with this interferes with the chances of their gaining a love for Torah, and that is not chinuch at all.”
As our children become older, and especially as they become teenagers, our most important asset is developing a relationship with them. When they are young, we can demand and even force compliance, at least to a degree. But as they get older, that control fades. Our effectiveness and ability to impart long term chinuch in them is wholly based on the relationship we can foster with them.
It’s worth adding that this idea applies not only between physical parents and children, but also with the connection between Klal Yisroel and our Father in Heaven.
Towards the end of Shemoneh Esrei we recite the b’racha of R’tzei in which we ask Hashem to restore the Avodah in the Beis Hamikdash. We ask Hashem to, “Find favor… in Your nation Yisroel and in their prayers.” Rav Shimon Schwab explains that this beracha is unique. Unlike all previous blessings where we asked Hashem to grant us specific requests, here we ask Hashem to allow us to bring Him nachas. It’s analogous to a child asking his parent to be proud of him.
“Instead of being a recipient, we wish to be a giver. We want to make a kiddush Hashem in the world….” We are asking Hashem to find favor in our efforts and to help us be successful in fulfilling our mission of spreading honor to His Name.
As parents we have to bear in mind that our children want to bring us nachas. We have to give them the feeling that they can do so, especially with those children who feel like they are always letting their parents down. Parents have a responsibility to discipline their children. But the ultimate chinuch is accomplished through our connection with them and helping them identity the greatness within them, especially when that greatness is not immediately apparent.
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum
STRIVINGHIGHER.COM