Pesach – From Threat to Challenge
Dr. David Pelcovitz[1]
The Yom Tov of Pesach brings with it certain challenges that are worth discussing, so that we can prepare for them in advance, and ensure that we have a joyous and wonderful Yom Tov:
The first challenge is dealing with some potentially difficult family members for extended time during Yom Tov.
The first tip in dealing with that challenge is for us shift our mindset.
At a Chai Lifeline retreat a few years ago, Rabbi Hauer from Baltimore related the following powerful idea:
When Avrohom Avinu was at the akeidah and was instructed not to shecht Yitzchok, the pasuk says “וירא והנה איל אחר נאחז בסבך בקרניו – He saw that there was another ram caught in the thicket by its horns”. There are two ways of viewing that ram – as stuck or as positioned.
Those two perspectives are true about all challenging situations in life. When confronted with challenges we should ask ourselves – are we stuck in this challenge, or were we divinely positioned here so that we can grow from the experience?
The difference between those two viewpoints is the difference between feeling stressed and paralyzed versus feeling motivated to rise to the challenge to do the best you can. Whether you feel stuck or positioned will determine whether you feel panic or purpose.
The pasuk in Mishlei (4:13) states: “החזק במוסר אל תרף נצרה כי היא חייה – Hold fast to discipline and don’t let go; guard it for it is your life.”
The Vilna Gaon comments ״כי מה שהאדם חי הוא כדי לשבור מה שלא שבר עד הנה אותה המדה לכן צריך תמיד להתחזק ואם לא יתחזק למה לו חיים- a person is alive is to break (subjugate) negative character traits) that he has not broken until now. Therefore, he needs to constantly strengthen himself, and if he doesn’t strengthen himself (to work on his negative character traits), of what purpose is his living?!”
Working on our middos is one of the purposes of life. Therefore, when we must deal with difficult family members, we should see it as an opportunity to work on our patience and character. With that perspective it becomes easier to handle. We should embrace the challenge, not resist it, by remembering that we are positioned there, not stuck!
A study done proves the effectiveness of a shift in perspective, even when the situation remains the same. Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer, and student Alia Crum met with 84 hotel maids to discuss how much exercise they got daily. They also took measures of their fitness levels, which showed that they had relatively poor health for sedentary people. Half of the women were told that cleaning 15 rooms daily gives them half the recommended physical activity.
A month later they checked back with the women and saw that the average study-group maid had lost two pounds, systolic blood pressure had dropped ten points, and by all measures were significantly healthier. Nothing else had changed, only their perspective.
(NYT “Mindful Exercise”, December 9, 2007)
Another speaker at the Chai Lifeline retreat related a powerful idea from the Chazon Ish:
We recite a beracha each morning praising Hashem who is נותן ליעף כח – gives strength to those who are tired. He noted that we don’t ask that Hashem remove the tiredness. Fatigue and weariness are part of life, and often cannot be avoided. We thank Hashem and daven for strength to deal with and not succumb to tiredness. We look for the strength to accomplish what we need to despite our weariness.
There is a man I know who donated a kidney, a very special person. He related to me that a year earlier his mother was very sick, and the doctors removed a kidney from her. It was the same surgery. Yet for his mother it was a painful and anxiety-provoking experience, while for him, although hard, it was of the greatest and most joy-filled experiences of his life. Same situation but the perspective makes all the difference.
The question isn’t about what situation we find ourselves in; the question is how we relate to and how we deal with it!
Another important component about preparing for Pesach is that we should not seek to go it alone.
We should make sure to strike when the iron is cold. Speak to your family and discuss with them what you need from them. Then get their commitment to help in ways you need.
Don’t criticize the quality of the job they do!
There was a study done where they asked people how steep a mountain seemed. Those who were alone when asked reported that the mountain seemed steeper than those who viewed it with a friend, or someone they were close with. Just being near a loved one, helps challenges appear less daunting.
Another Pesach challenge relates to financial stress and social comparisons.
There was a study out of Iowa during the 1980s that followed a group of families who had been very wealthy and had lost their farms and their wealth. The researchers followed the families for a few years to test their resilience
The greatest indicator of success was not whether they regained their money, but their level of togetherness and commitment as a family. The psychological outcome had nothing to do with money.
We need to focus on what we have, and not on what we don’t have!
Maharal explains that matzah is called lechem oni and yet is symbol of freedom. He writes “העני אין לו אלא עצמו – the poor man has nothing but himself”. That’s true freedom; not being forced to answer to or be subject to any other forces or influences.
Maharal continues – שאין ענין גאולה רק כשיוצא ואין לו צירוף לזולתו לא כמו העבד שאינו עומד בעצמו ויש לו צירוף לזולתו – freedom entails looking inward.
Another important component about preparing for Pesach is the power of joy. People dread Pesach, and some have even mentioned to me that they hate Pesach.
There is a mitzvah dioraysa of והגדת לבנך- that mitzvah is more important than the added stringencies of worrying about crumbs throughout the house. We do ביטול and ביעור, and with a decent cleaning fulfill that mandate. But teaching our children is the main focus of Pesach and we shouldn’t sacrifice it for stringencies.
We should be most stringent about feeling Simcha and experiencing the beautiful Yom Tov with our families.
We cannot learn and be motivated unless it’s with ahava and Simcha. Another vital component of achieving Simcha is gratitude! We need to pay attention to the blessings in our life and to be thankful for them, especially for the things we take for granted.
A fellow told me that his daughter had leukemia and was out of school for a long time. On the day that she was able to go back to school for the first time, she insisted on going on the bus with everyone else. The father and his wife hid in the bushes and watched. When she got on the bus, he and his wife cried flowing tears of gratitude. He remarked that here they were watching their child do something that parents take for granted every day, and for them it was one of the happiest moments in their lives.
We need to remember what the holiday is really about.
[Rabbi Berel Wein related] at my Seder my father is present, as are my grandchildren. My father speaks about his memories of his grandfather and the Seder he recalls from his zaydei in Europe. G-d willing my grandchildren will live to see their grandchildren.
That means at my Seder there is a representation and collective memory of some 200-250 years. If you take eleven such tables and put them side by side, you’re back to Sinai and the exodus.
That’s how we maintain our deep connection. We are only eleven Seder tables removed from the actual event!
That’s a concept we need to convey to our children, and we need to do so happily and excitedly.
I spoke at a conference in Frankfurt for survivors living in Europe. At the conference was an elderly person who was a survivor and seemed to radiate life. Everyone loved being around him because he seemed so happy and pleasant.
At the end of the conference I got into the elevator to go up to my room and he got in as well. I realized this was my chance to ask him what I really wanted to know. I mustered up the courage and asked him how he was so happy despite all he had endured.
He replied by first repeating some of the stories I heard from him over Shabbos about how terrible things were – the extent of Nazi brutality, including the early morning wake ups, inhumane lineups, and barking dogs. Then he said that what got him through was that in his darkest moments he would conjure up the image and experience of his father placing his hands on his head on Friday night when he gave him a beracha. In his mind he could even smell the sweetness of his father’s breath and that feeling of love is what got him through.
That’s what we want to create for our children, particularly on Seder night.
We need to remind ourselves and express to our children how lucky we are to be part of such a rich and wonderful heritage.
- Written by Rabbi Dani Staum ↑