Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
SHABBOS TABLE
Our Shabbos seudos are very nice but they are also very stressful. My husband does his utmost to read through all of the different Shabbos sheets. Each child has his/her own set of similar questions on the parsha. Some of the children are all too eager to share what they learned and answer questions, but others are hesitant and it becomes a bit of a stressful point. Should we insist that each child review their parsha sheets? Also, how long should we insist that they stay at the table?
A wise colleague once related that if you want to get a good handle on the inner workings of a family ask one of the children to describe what their Shabbos table. What goes on? What’s the atmosphere like?
Rav Matisyahu Salomon shlita, in With Hearts Full of Love, emphatically states that the proliferation of Shabbos sheets with questions and divrei Torah are a modern phenomenon, and are a mistake.
For the child who doesn’t know the parsha well, asking him his questions turns the Shabbos table into Tisha B’av. The Shabbos table must be a place of warmth and joy, where every child feels welcomed and happy. They should sing zemiros and enjoy the food. The Shabbos table must not become an extension of the classroom.
That is not easily achieved. But the first step is for us to make it our mission to ensure that out Shabbos table be a happy place. Then we can figure out the details of how to accomplish it.
Practically speaking, it may be more worthwhile to discuss the parsha with the whole family together and ask questions, perhaps making a game out of it, to see who can answer the question first. With young children the reward for a correct answer can be a candy, for older children perhaps money. Reading or telling a story can be great too, such as a story from The Little Medrash Says or Mashal Tov. For older children Rav Zilberstein’s works on the parsha (‘What If’ by Artscroll and ‘Veha’rev Na’ by Feldheim) can be very interesting and discussion provoking.
I was recently a guest at a Shabbos table where the ba’al habayis asked everyone at the table their opinion about a question from Rabbi Zilberstein’s sefer. It was fun to hear afterwards whose responses were most in sync with Rabbi Zilberstein’s which he proceeded to read aloud later in the meal. In addition it was also a great exercise in ‘thinking in learning’ and applying Torah to everyday life.
At another Shabbos table I attended the mother asked everyone some riddles – first starting with Torah/parsha riddles, and then some math, thought riddles to get everyone at the table into it.
Some families have adopted the custom of reading a brief halacha or two from hilchos Shabbos. At times the children read the halacha while the adults listen.
In our home we are particular that when one of our children repeats a d’var Torah at the Shabbos table from a parsha sheet they received from their Rebbe/Morah, that they prepare the d’var Torah in advance so that they can say most of it in their own words. I tell my children that I try hard to pay attention to what they are saying, and it’s very hard to listen to someone who is reading something just to get it over with. We also stress that when one child is speaking the other children have to give them the courtesy of not speaking loudly. If they need something they can whisper.
Every family also has to balance how long to insist the children should stay at the table. There should definitely be some modicum of structure at the Shabbos table, but as Rav Salomon states, it should not become a stressful place, an extension of the classroom. Each child should feel comfortable and welcome at the Shabbos table.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.