Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
SCREAMING
As a mother, I never thought I’d be a screamer. Yet now, I realize that I have become a screamer. Every afternoon before I come home I tell myself that tonight I am not going to scream. Yet by the end of the night I end up screaming. The problem is that my children only hear me when I scream. I speak to them nicely and calmly the first few times. But after a while of not being heard at all I lose my patience and end up screaming. Once I scream I become even more upset that I had to scream and end up screaming even more. I’d love some ideas to end the scream-fest and restore calmness to my home.
What is the last thought that crosses a parent’s (or teacher’s) mind before they lose their cool?
Invariably, it’s “I’m losing control!” A parent begins to feel that he/she cannot control his children and a teacher feels he/she cannot control the class. A sense of panic sets in as a barrage of thoughts swirl through their mind. In a heightened state of panic those thoughts usually escalate and become grossly exaggerated. A mother may begin to think that she will never be able to control her child and she will continue dictating to her what she wants, and things will only continue to spiral. Similarly, a teacher may start to feel that she is not cut out for teaching, and what if the principal or a parent walks by right now…
When we feel that we are losing control our instinctive reaction is to raise our voice. The rationale for raising our voice is that the sudden change of volume will shock the child into listening to what we are saying. The truth is that although they may hear what we are saying, they still may not listen to what we are saying. Although raising your voice can be effective, that’s only if it’s a rarity.
A friend of mine related that one summer when he was a counselor he committed himself to not raising his voice at his campers. For a full week he maintained his pledge. Then they were on their way to the pool and they were being rowdy and disorderly. After asking nicely a few times for them to cooperate he raised his voice. They immediately stood at attention like soldiers. Because it was the first time they heard him yell it had an immediate effect.
The problem is that with time if a child is exposed to repeated yelling it no longer has the effect it once did. That effect continues to decrease with added exposure. It’s like anything else which seems scary at first but becomes less daunting with more exposure.
When yelling becomes our modus operandi we ensure that we will have to keep yelling, because they will not hear us when we ask nicely. Even when we yell they will probably not listen until they see that we are angry, and even then…
A powerful technique suggested for teachers in a classroom setting is that instead of raising their voice, they should lower their voice. When students see that the teacher is saying something sternly but they cannot hear what is being said they will quiet down to hear how what is being said by the teacher will effect them.
On a more general level we need to emphatically state what we want our children to do and then allowing them to make the mistake of not doing it. We then allow the consequences to do the teaching, while we remain calm and compassionate. [More about this in a future article iyh.]
The mere decision to begin working on not yelling is itself commendable and the first step towards getting there.
Remind yourself that you are not losing complete control even if the moment is tense and even if at that moment, you don’t have all the control you would like, such as immediate compliance.
When you feel your stress level rising choose your battles wisely. Perhaps a child needs a time out or if feasible you take a time out. Perhaps you will have to take a baby or toddler with you, but if it’s safe and doable you can tell your other children “I’m sorry but I don’t want to listen to all of this arguing” or “I’m sorry but I cannot give dessert when the supper table has not been cleared, so I will be going to my room for a few minutes and then I’ll come back and see if things are better.” The fact that you needed a time out could itself be a consequence or it might be necessary to foster another consequence.
On a more practical level, ba’alei mussar suggest that a person obligate himself to give up something, such as paying a certain amount of money to tzedakah, every time you fail in what you are working on, in this case yelling. You can also pledge a specific reward for yourself for being successful.
Change is difficult, but with persistence and effort it can be done, and you can indeed have the serenity in your home you wish for.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.