Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
HAKARAS HATOV
I feel like no matter what I do it’s never enough for my kids. For example, on Shushan Purim morning after we had a wonderful Purim, my older daughter asked me to make her pancakes. I was so upset. The night before we had a seudah with over 30 people after we had run around all day (in the snow) going to her and her sibling’s teachers and friends to deliver shalach manos. It was also Erev Shabbos and the house looked like a jet had landed in the living room. Am I wrong to be upset at my daughter for being so ungrateful? How can I teach her not be so selfish?
We live in an ‘es kumt mir’ world, where everyone, especially our children, feels a sense of entitlement. We must train our children to recognize that what we do from them is a gift done for them with love.
The Ba’alei Mussar note that Hakaras Hatov is not a natural feeling. It is something we must first develop within ourselves, and then work on conveying to our children. The first step is the hakarah – recognizing what is done for us. Only then can we develop feelings of gratitude for the good done for us.
I remember during my youth, while we were in the car on the way home from Chol Hamo’ed trips my father would ask the family who remembered to thank “Mommy and Abba” for taking them on a trip.
It is up to us to remind our children thank us for things we do for them, even the daily things we take for granted. Children should thank their mother for making supper, and their father for learning with them. Of course the best way to teach is by example, as in when a child hears one parent thank the other.
When a parent opens and holds the door for their child and the child doesn’t even say thank you, there is something wrong. Truthfully the child should be opening and holding the door for their parent, but at least the child should thank their parent.
Parents can also make a big deal in front of the family when one child remembered to express gratitude for something done for them, e.g. “It was so special when Dovi thanked me for making the cookies he likes for Shabbos.”
When I drive carpool and drop off my children in yeshiva, as they are getting out, if they don’t remember to do so on their own I say “Thank you Abba”. If they don’t get the hint I’ll repeat it again, and even again. One of our young children had a hard time getting the hang of it and even after he exited the car, his father rolled down the window and called out loudly “Thank you Abba”, until he got the hint. B’h now I hardly ever have to remind them. It wasn’t that I needed the recognition. It was that I wanted him to realize that driving him to yeshiva is a favor and therefore it is his responsibility to be thankful.
I want my children to thank their bus driver every day when they get off the bus. I want them to be pleasant and thankful to the cashier in the store. I want them to thank the garbage men or mailman if they happen to see them. So I try to ensure that they hear me doing so. It will make them far more pleasant people, and their future spouses (and mothers-in-law) will be ever grateful.
A mother related to me that she was driving with her son in the car when they arrived at a construction zone and had to wait a few minutes. When they passed the construction workers, she was surprised when her son rolled down his window and thanked the worker, who smiled and waved back. When she asked her son why he did that, her son explained that a few days earlier he had heard his rebbe do it.
People are by nature self-centered and self-absorbed. Your children‘s ingratitude is not the result of bad parenting. Still if you want to have polite and thankful children you have to model it and expect it. Hakaras Hatov is like a muscle which needs constant exercise and attention in order to keep it healthy and strong.
Parents are often afraid or uncomfortable to demand respect and gratitude from their children. But if we as parents don’t demand it, our children won’t learn it.
In your situation, I think you should tell your daughter (after you have gotten over the audacity of her asking) why her question wasn’t appropriate. If it’s explained to her gently she probably will realize why it was wrong, and she will even learn to appreciate the things you do for her lovingly.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.