Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
CHOICES & CONTROL
My four year old is so strong minded. I cannot believe the power struggles I get into with this little girl almost every night. Yet I can’t seem to figure out how to get her to comply without there being an explosive interaction. The strangest part is that she is a good listener and behaves well in school and outside home.
A great approach to dealing with children generally, especially with more challenging children, is to give as many choices as possible about issues we don’t care much about. Consider the following true anecdote:
The entire Kindergarten class was sitting around the table ready for lunch. All except for Dovid who was being his usual obstinate self. When the morah asked Dovid to join them at the table he responded with an emphatic and defiant “No” and continued playing by himself. The morah was exasperated with Dovid and she felt herself becoming increasingly angry. Just before she angrily demanded, “You get over here this minute…” she stopped herself. She knew that Dovid had plenty of negative interactions at home and she didn’t want to add insult to injury. She took a deep breath. “Dovid”, she repeated sweetly, “which chair would you like to sit on, the blue one or the red one?” Dovid immediately got up and selected the red chair right next to her.
The morah explained, “I thought about what happened and I decided to try the same approach again later. Instead of ordering him to drink his milk, I asked Dovid if he wanted white milk or chocolate milk. Since the chocolate milk was diluted with milk anyway it didn’t make much of a difference, but he had the choice.
“To say that giving choices transformed Dovid into a model child would be inaccurate. However, when I do give him a choice, whether it’s picking which book to read or which toy to play with, his reaction is far more docile and compliant.”
How much control should we give children? Psychologist Sylvia Rimm, PhD. notes that people naturally compare the amount of control they have in a relationship with the amount of control that they used to have, not the amount of control that they feel they should have. People seek to garner increased control with time and they resent when control is cut back.
Many of us as parents grant our children almost unlimited freedom in their toddler years. Then, as our children reach adolescence we try to pull back on the reins, as the infamous teenage battles ensue.
On the other hand, parents who grant their children increasing control as they mature find that their children are more satisfied, and don’t struggle as much to ‘assert their turf’ as they reach adolescence.
We need not give control over major issues. Every child on his/her age and level can be allowed to make small choices when appropriate. Our goal is to give away any control we don’t need. Doing so demonstrates that we trust the child’s judgment and that we are giving him/her the right to make their own decisions.
A young child can be allowed to decide things like whether he wants to wear gloves or mittens, drink water or juice, eat a vegetable or fruit, or go to sleep now or in five minutes.
An older child can decide about doing his grammar homework or math homework first, which chores she wants to do, and if bedtime should be when we ideally want it to be or a half hour earlier.
We never give choices about things that matter to us. For example, we don’t ask a child if he wants milk or soda. The choices are always about things that don’t matter to us, but will empower the child who is able to make the decision.
The following five suggestions are helpful guidelines to bear in mind when giving children choices:
- Select choices that you are happy with
- Allow the child to live with the decisions he/she makes
- Never give choices when a child is in potential danger
- Only give choices when you are willing to make a choice if the child does not choose within five seconds
- Offer choices in a calm, non-obtrusive manner
The greatest benefit of giving children choices rather than issuing commands is that it sends a message of mutual respect and communication. When children refuse to listen it may very well be their feeble attempt to exercise some level of control because they feel they have none. Granting a child a little control can often go a long way.
We want children to have lots of opportunities to make good choices when they are young, and the ‘price tag’ for making bad decisions is relatively small. As we all know as children grow the price tag associated with their choices grows exponentially.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also seventh grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.