Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
BED-TIME BLUES – II
In the last segment we discussed the need to set routines, especially in regards to bedtime. The more consistent the routine is the more a child will get used to following it. Of course most children will subsequently periodically test the system, but at that point generally a good dose of firmness will be sufficient.
When a child is going to sleep it’s also important to ensure that there is as little noise as possible outside the child’s room. If there is a lot of action or conversations going on outside the child will be tuned in and will have a hard time going to sleep.
If it’s not possible to minimize outside noise for whatever reason, a storybook CD can be very helpful. If the CD contains stories of tzaddikim it has the added benefit of the child hearing a beautiful lesson just before drifting off for the night.
Another possible alternative is to have a noise machine. These are relatively inexpensive and have different choices of pleasant sounds that can be used.
In our home we used a noise machine for some of our children when they were toddlers. The challenge was on those rare occasions when the machine broke or we were away for Shabbos/Yom Tov and didn’t have the machine. It’s usually during such a situation when that child learned how to sleep without the machine, although it did cost us a few frustrating nights.
Once a child goes to bed and has said Shema he/she should not be allowed to come out for any reason, with the obvious exception of an emergency.
“But Mommy I have a major test tomorrow, and I’m going to fail!”
“I’m sorry to hear that shayfaluh; but now you need to go to sleep.”
“I’m soooo thirsty. Please Mommy can’t I just run and get one more drink.”
“No zeeskeit; we don’t come out of bed after bedtime.”
It’s often very challenging to remain firm because it may feel wrong. It flies in the face of our motherly or fatherly instinct to coddle our young children and to give them what they want – especially when they are ready to go to sleep for the night. But allowing the child to come out of bed is a mistake. The child quickly learns that bedtime is not really bedtime, and will not be ready to go to sleep even when going to bed.
This is in contrast to a child who is trained that once Shema is said and the light is turned out their night is over. That child will have a far easier time falling asleep because he knows it’s not negotiable.
If the child does come out then we can begin decreasing certain privileges which the child enjoys. This can include keeping a nightlight on, keeping the door wide open, allowing the child to listen to a CD in bed, etc.
When the child comes out of bed, the parent can shake their head sadly and reply “How sad! Now we have to shut the CD.” If we are firm and consistent there will be no need for shouting, threatening, or lecturing. In fact, that’s the last thing we should do. When we shout or threaten our child may have become conditioned to completely tune us out. The other possibility is that it will cause the child to become nervous and his heart will beat faster, which is the opposite of what needs to occur for him to fall asleep.
As is usually the case when first implementing any new policy, be ready for it to become worse before it gets better. In fact it’s helpful to remember that resistance usually means that what we are doing is working. Be prepared for strong resistance at the beginning, and only start the implementation when you have the time and patience to deal with any resistance or testing.
I would just add that as a rebbe and a principal, I can easily tell which of my students don’t get enough sleep on a regular basis. Of course there are times when events or situations occur that cause a child to go to sleep later than his/her usual bedtime. But there are some children who have the capability to learn and even the desire to learn, but cannot because they are so sluggish and tired from lack of sleep.
One of the first halachos in Shulchan Aruch states that in the morning one should strengthen himself like a lion to perform the service of his Creator. A rebbe of mine used to quip that if one goes to sleep like a horse he won’t be able to wake up like a lion. Getting a good night’s sleep makes a tremendous difference in how we perform the following day. Being able to go to sleep is the first step towards getting a good night’s sleep.
As previously mentioned, once you have set up a routine, your nights will be much smoother. Your child will also benefit tremendously from it, especially in getting the sleep he needs.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.