Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
BED-TIME BLUES – I
It’s a nightly struggle to get each of my children into bed every night. What’s even more frustrating is that within minutes after they are finally in bed they begin re-emerging one at a time. One wants a drink, the other’s foot is hurting, and the other just remembered that she has a major test tomorrow. By that point I have had it. I usually end up yelling. Then I end up giving them what they want just so they get back into bed. It’s a pathetic scene that repeats itself every night. Am I doomed to this frustrating scenario each night until they get married and move out?
The struggles of bedtime; all parents endure them although they manifest in different ways! For me my biggest struggle is that when I lie down in bed to put one of my children to sleep, I am very successful getting someone to sleep, albeit not the person who is supposed to be going to sleep at that time. At least I know I’m not a complete failure.
Although many of the points listed here can be adapted appropriately for older children as well, this particular article is more geared toward younger children (under ten years old). One of the most important things we can give our children is a sense of consistency and routine. There will of course be many situations when their schedule and routine will have to change for any variety of reasons, but the more we are able to implement a set routine the better off they will be, and, consequentially, the better off we will be.
The hardest part is setting the routine into play. The good news is that once that battle has been waged it becomes far easier to maintain the routine as long as you are consistent.
Some of the points I am making may be obvious to some, nevertheless they bear repetition. A child should have a set bedtime based on their age.
Sometime before the actual bedtime (perhaps 20-30 minutes) the child can be told to get ready for bed, which may include a bath on certain nights. The child can be told that he has another half hour until bedtime so the quicker everything is done the more time he will have to play before bedtime.
For some younger children it may be helpful to make a list together of the things that need to be done before bedtime. This may include brushing teeth, getting a drink, preparing morning lunch and knapsack with all necessary signed papers and tests, etc.
For our younger children my wife took pictures of them doing their required tasks and taped it to a chart where they could see it.
About ten minutes before the child’s bedtime it is a good idea to remind the child that he/she has ten more minutes until it’s time to go to bed. The parent can say to the child “Would you like to go to bed now or would you like another ten minutes?” When the child inevitably says that he wants to stay up for another ten minutes, in his mind he is being privileged.
During those ten minutes the child can play a quiet game, read, draw, etc. But there ideally shouldn’t be any active play, so that the child can wind down.
It’s important to also note that studies of brain patterns show that using electronics before bedtime affects their ability to go to sleep afterwards. Electronics cause brain activity to increase and neurons to race, the opposite of what needs to occur in order to fall sleep. The glow of electronics also has an effect, delaying the release of sleep-inducing hormone, melatonin. Children (and adults) should not use electronics for a half-hour before going to sleep.
When bedtime arrives the child can be asked how she wants to go to bed: “Do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you? Do you want me to lie down next to you for a few minutes or not?”
If the child does not head upstairs within a minute or two after being told, then the following evening his bedtime is earlier to make up that time.
The question of how to respond if the child refuses to comply, or when the child comes out of bed repeatedly will be dealt with in part II.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.