Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
ANGER – Part IV
In the previous article we discussed how to help a child deal with his/her own anger. In this article we will focus on how parents should best relate to their temperamental child:
When a person becomes angry, it is an obvious sign that whatever has stimulated that anger is truly vexing to that person. Perhaps we may look at the situation and feel that their anger is unwarranted and unjustified, but we need to realize that at the moment their anger is real. We should never discount feelings (including our own), and especially those of children. Our feelings are part of our reality and cannot just ‘go away’ or be squelched at will. In fact, doing so can only exacerbate those suppressed issues at a later time in a more explosive manner.
Therefore, our first step is to validate the anger by simply acknowledging it. Often that alone helps the child calm down. Conversely, when we reply with our own anger or attempt to impose immediate punishments it results in further anger, and chutzpah.
This does not mean that every time a child gets angry we have to accept that this is who the child is and we should deal with the external factors. We unquestionably can, and often must, deal with misplaced anger. We must try to guide the child, often by explaining how he may have misjudged the situation, as well as how to handle his own angry feelings in a sociably acceptable and healthy manner. But that is all after the fact. In the heat of the moment our job is to recognize and accept the child’s anger, and try to help him navigate himself through it, so that he can calm down.
When a person is having an angry outburst, he/she is not in ‘thinking mode’. When consumed with anger one views everything that is happening in a highly emotional state. No one would try to rationalize with a drunk and explain to him why drinking is detrimental to his health, and why he needs to stop. At that point the goal is to get the drunk into bed and out of harm’s way. Only when he sobers up, can he be guided to reflect upon his drinking problem, and try to realize the danger involved.
Similarly, while a child is ‘tantruming’ it is ineffective, and in fact generally counterproductive, to try to compel the child to calm down with warnings and threats. We can emphatically remind the child that even when angry he cannot act or speak inappropriately. However, the primary goal at that moment is to diffuse the situation.
Many children with anger issues (who we will heretofore refer to as ‘the explosive child’) experience a repeat of the following scenario: A peer or sibling pushes the child’s buttons. This can often be done in a subtle but purposeful manner, knowing from past experience that the explosive child will overreact and end up in trouble. Then, when the explosive child indeed overreacts and ends up in trouble, the ‘aggressor’ is overlooked, leaving the explosive child feeling all the more angry and resentful. However, because of past experience knowing that he is the one held accountable because he overreacted, he seeks to squelch his angry feelings, which only leads to further blowups later on when he feels he can’t handle it any longer.
For this reason, once everyone has calmed down it is very important that the situation be reviewed. Although the explosive child must be held accountable with appropriate consequences for what he has said/done in his anger, we must also seek to understand what caused him to become angry, i.e. what was the precipitating factor. If he was incited by another child, that must be dealt with as well, and the explosive child should be made aware that it is being dealt with, so he feels he is not being viewed as a pariah because of his anger.
When reviewing a blowup, it is most helpful if it can be done with all parties involved. This can be time-consuming and draining, and a parent or teacher may often not have time or patience to hear everyone out. However, if this can be done even occasionally, it can be extremely beneficial. This is especially true for the explosive child who feels that he is often not heard, because he ‘gets in trouble’ because of his behavior while angry. It is additionally helpful for the explosive child to review the situation from the other child’s perspective, which is something many children (and adults) have a hard time doing. Trying to review a situation from someone else’s perspective is in fact great training for life[1]!
When the situation is being reviewed, the more we are able to allow the parties involved to speak to each other the more beneficial it is. We should try as much as possible to help each side feel that we are impartial and merely want to help everyone understand what occurred. This is very different than understanding what happened in order to mete out consequences which places everyone on the defensive. It is for this reason that this form of discussion is most meaningful after consequences have been given and the situation has calmed. The challenge is that once the situation has finally calmed we may have no patience to reopen that Pandora’s Box. But that is when real growth can occur.
What other ideas can we convey to the explosive child to help him? When do we need to seek outside intervention? How do therapists help the situation more than we can do as educators? These points will be discussed iy”h in our final article about anger.
KEY POINTS
- Our first step must be to acknowledge the child’s anger
- We need to ensure that even when the explosive child is deserving of consequences his perspective still needs to be heard
- As much as possible, we should try to review the situation after the fact in a non-judgmental fashion
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. For speaking engagements he can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.
- The child’s future wife and mother-in-law will be ever grateful to you for teaching him/her this vital skill. ↑