Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
ANGER – Part I
My ten year old daughter has a terrible temper, and it doesn’t take much to set her off. She can be playing nicely and having a good time, and then suddenly, with hardly any provocation she will fly off the handle, screaming at anyone in her path. She has even broken some of her own toys on occasion. We have tried everything with her. We have many pleasant conversations with her and she always admits that she feels badly about her blowups. Threats and consequences have only served to exacerbate the situation. How do we help her cool off without her turning over the entire house?
The first step is that your child must recognize that her anger is a problem – for herself. This may sound ridiculously obvious, but it actually is an important point.
If your daughter doesn’t view her blowups as a problem she will have no desire to work on it. The bottom line is that change can only come from within, and no one can get someone else to change. She has to be want to invest the necessary effort to help her learn ways to handle her own anger.
I once worked with a student who liked the fact that he lost his temper and raged. He was a relatively meek and bashful child, and he didn’t like that about himself. When he would lose his temper he would lash out at other students and everyone would stay away from him. His temper gave him an illusion of power and he didn’t want to let go of it. We couldn’t begin to work on techniques to help him deal with his temper until he was able to come to the realization that his raging was isolating him and negatively impacting him socially.
When things are calm conversations are always the best first route. But if she doesn’t recognize how her temper is a problem, than we need to abet that process with consequences. However, the consequences can not be meted out in the heat of the moment, because at best they will be ineffective, at worst they will be counterproductive.
The reason consequences may be effective is because the child makes a conscious decision that the misbehavior is not worth the consequence they will have to deal with afterwards. When a child is tantruming however, she is not using her conscious mind; she is running completely on emotion. At that moment the goal is to diffuse the situation, and then to deal with what occurred in a more calm and rational manner.
After she has calmed down it is appropriate to discuss what consequences are in order. If she hurt a friend in her anger perhaps she should not be able to have a friend over the following week, or something similar. When she realizes that her anger causes problems for herself, then you can begin the real work of trying to help her navigate and deal with her anger.
A child needs to understand what she is like when she gets angry. With younger children I like to read together The Angry Dragon, which depicts a young boy who turns into a dragon every time he loses his cool. The book vividly demonstrates how the child becomes mean and apathetic when he is tantruming. He is a frightening being and essentially isolates himself from everyone else. He doesn’t revert into a boy again until he calms down. And when he does calm down he has to face the embarrassment of how he behaved while he was ‘still a dragon’.
A child (or adult) who has a terrible temper may reason that it’s the way he is and there’s nothing he can do about it. We have to reassure the child that that attitude is wrong. He may have a quicker temper and it may be more challenging for him to control it, but there’s no such thing as “I can’t” or “it’s just the way I am”.
I often share with such children that the great Chofetz Chaim would relate that he had a natural temper. His greatness was that he learned to have complete control over his anger, and not vice versa. It was known that the Chofetz Chaim would enter the Bais Medrash very late at night, after everyone was gone. One night a student hid in the Bais Medrash to see what the Chofetz Chaim did when he entered alone. When the Chofetz Chaim entered, he walked to the front of the Bais Medrash, and opened the Aron Hakodesh, and begged Hashem to help him deal with his natural temper.
There are many other anecdotes which discuss the tactics the Chofetz Chaim employed to keep his anger in check. I feel that such stories are very inspiring and can give anyone, especially a child who struggles with his/her temper, great chizuk to know that they are not doomed to losing their temper every time they become angry. It can be done, and we will help them learn how to do so.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. For speaking engagements he can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.