“RABBI’S MUSINGS (&
AMUSINGS)”
AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh
Parshas Bamidbar (45th day of Omer)
Parshas Bamidbar (45th day of Omer)
1 Sivan 5777/ May 26,
2017 – Avos Perek 6
2017 – Avos Perek 6
Rosh Chodesh Sivan
·
“Before
I got married, I was taught that I have to have more respect to my wife than
for myself. So, I make sure to always treat my wife’s in-laws with more respect
than my own in-laws.”
“Before
I got married, I was taught that I have to have more respect to my wife than
for myself. So, I make sure to always treat my wife’s in-laws with more respect
than my own in-laws.”
-badchan R’ Yankel Miller
·
“The
rule in life is, either fix yourself, or your mother-in-law will.”
“The
rule in life is, either fix yourself, or your mother-in-law will.”
-Rabbi Berel Wein
What’s with all the in-law jokes? Why is dealing with in-laws
so potentially contentious?
so potentially contentious?
One of the most important components of a healthy and
satisfying marriage is the ability to view matters from someone else’s vantage
point and perspective.
satisfying marriage is the ability to view matters from someone else’s vantage
point and perspective.
Often strife is the result of either becoming so emotionally
entrenched in one’s own opinion, that he is unable to understand another
perspective. Or, it is the result of a bruised ego that seeks validation and
reassurance.
entrenched in one’s own opinion, that he is unable to understand another
perspective. Or, it is the result of a bruised ego that seeks validation and
reassurance.
It’s been suggested that if couples could follow this one
piece of advice, it would eliminate more than half of all marital strife:
Whenever there is a disagreement about any matter, after mentioning their
opinion, each side should then repeat their spouse’s opinion and the reasons
why he/she feels that way. It is not easy to extricate one’s self emotionally,
in order to understand another perspective[1].
piece of advice, it would eliminate more than half of all marital strife:
Whenever there is a disagreement about any matter, after mentioning their
opinion, each side should then repeat their spouse’s opinion and the reasons
why he/she feels that way. It is not easy to extricate one’s self emotionally,
in order to understand another perspective[1].
I was once at a Shabbos table of a friend, when his irreligious
aunt asked what a ‘mechutan’ is[2].
My friend’s father immediately replied, “the opposition leader.”
aunt asked what a ‘mechutan’ is[2].
My friend’s father immediately replied, “the opposition leader.”
When I was nine-years old, I was at a family Chanukah get-together
for my father’s family. It was shortly after the passing of my Zaydei – my
mother’s father. My Sabbah and Sava, my father’s parents, were sitting together
and I asked them if they cried when they heard my Zaydei had died. They
immediately replied, “of course we did”.
for my father’s family. It was shortly after the passing of my Zaydei – my
mother’s father. My Sabbah and Sava, my father’s parents, were sitting together
and I asked them if they cried when they heard my Zaydei had died. They
immediately replied, “of course we did”.
At that point in my life, I was first beginning to comprehend
that, although they were all my grandparents, they weren’t related to each
other. [In the immortal words of American philosopher Lou Costello, “My father
married my mother, and my uncle married my aunt. So why should I marry a total
stranger?”]
that, although they were all my grandparents, they weren’t related to each
other. [In the immortal words of American philosopher Lou Costello, “My father
married my mother, and my uncle married my aunt. So why should I marry a total
stranger?”]
Part of the challenge of dealing with in-laws, stems from the
feeling that they are “in-laws”, and not parents. There is undoubtedly truth to
the fact that in-laws must be very cautious when asserting and suggesting
things to their married children. However, just as one is more patient with
his/her own parents, there must be a realization that one’s in-laws are their
spouse’s parents.
feeling that they are “in-laws”, and not parents. There is undoubtedly truth to
the fact that in-laws must be very cautious when asserting and suggesting
things to their married children. However, just as one is more patient with
his/her own parents, there must be a realization that one’s in-laws are their
spouse’s parents.
It is quite remarkable that in Tanach there are two instances
which are connected to in-laws, and both are inextricably connected to Shavuos
and Kabbolas HaTorah.
which are connected to in-laws, and both are inextricably connected to Shavuos
and Kabbolas HaTorah.
The story of Yisro, the father-in-law of Moshe, and his
joining Klal Yisroel, directly precedes the Torah’s narrative of Kabbolas
HaTorah. In fact, the parsha which contains Kabbolas HaTorah is called Parshas
Yisro. The Torah records how after Yisro arrived, he surveyed the situation,
and strongly rebuked Moshe with the words, “It is not good the matter which you
are doing.” The Torah relates that Moshe “listened to the voice of his
father-in-law.”
joining Klal Yisroel, directly precedes the Torah’s narrative of Kabbolas
HaTorah. In fact, the parsha which contains Kabbolas HaTorah is called Parshas
Yisro. The Torah records how after Yisro arrived, he surveyed the situation,
and strongly rebuked Moshe with the words, “It is not good the matter which you
are doing.” The Torah relates that Moshe “listened to the voice of his
father-in-law.”
The other story is that of Rus, who sacrificed a life of
aristocracy and nobility to accompany her mother-in-law back to Eretz Yisroel,
knowing that a life of poverty and embarrassment awaited them, at least
initially. Regarding Rus too, the pasuk states that she did whatever her
mother-in-law commanded her.[3]
aristocracy and nobility to accompany her mother-in-law back to Eretz Yisroel,
knowing that a life of poverty and embarrassment awaited them, at least
initially. Regarding Rus too, the pasuk states that she did whatever her
mother-in-law commanded her.[3]
The word Shavuos literally means weeks. The Yom Tov of
Kabbolas HaTorah is so called, because our acceptance of Torah is based on the
preparation we invested during the seven weeks prior – the weeks of Sefiras
HaOmer.
Kabbolas HaTorah is so called, because our acceptance of Torah is based on the
preparation we invested during the seven weeks prior – the weeks of Sefiras
HaOmer.
The time of Sefirah is also the period of mourning for the
death of Rabbi Akiva’s students, who died because they did not adequately
respect each other. Preparation for Kabbolas HaTorah entails seeing beyond
ourselves and being able to view things from the perspective of others.[4]
death of Rabbi Akiva’s students, who died because they did not adequately
respect each other. Preparation for Kabbolas HaTorah entails seeing beyond
ourselves and being able to view things from the perspective of others.[4]
Perhaps that is part of the reason both of the most
significant stories of in-laws in Tanach are connected to Kabbolas HaTorah. To
respect one’s in-laws one must relate to them not merely as in-laws, but also
as significant components of one’s marriage. To grow in Torah one must be able
to understand that there are other perspectives and understanding besides mine.
Not only must one accept that, but one must be able to respect that as well.
significant stories of in-laws in Tanach are connected to Kabbolas HaTorah. To
respect one’s in-laws one must relate to them not merely as in-laws, but also
as significant components of one’s marriage. To grow in Torah one must be able
to understand that there are other perspectives and understanding besides mine.
Not only must one accept that, but one must be able to respect that as well.
They stood at Sinai like one man with one heart – a
perspective and feeling that transcended themselves.
perspective and feeling that transcended themselves.
Shabbat Shalom & Good Shabbos
Freilichen Yom Tov & Chag Sameiach,
R’ Dani and Chani Staum
[1] This week, my mother sent the following
quote: “Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You were one of them!”
quote: “Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You were one of them!”
[3] It is
noteworthy that Yisro and Rus were both converts as well. Although they married
(or in Yisro’s case, he allowed his daughter to marry) into a Torah observant
family, they both had the personal option whether to join or not.
noteworthy that Yisro and Rus were both converts as well. Although they married
(or in Yisro’s case, he allowed his daughter to marry) into a Torah observant
family, they both had the personal option whether to join or not.