‘Parsha Growth Spurts’
Rabbi Dani Staum
Parshas Chayei Sarah
(23:15) “Four hundred silver shekels, between me and you what is it?”
Avrohom approached Ephron to purchase the holy site of Mearas Hamachpeilah. At first Ephron offered to give Avrohom the cave as a gift, but Avrohom recognized Ephron’s duplicity and insisted on paying. Ephron replied that he would merely charge Avrohom the (exorbitant) sum of four hundred sterling silver shekels. Rashi explains that Ephron was telling Avrohom: “Between two lovers such as ourselves, what is it worth at all?”
What does Rashi mean? When did Ephron and Avrohom develop such deep camaraderie, as to be called lovers?
The Immrei Chaim of Viznitz noted that the verse in Koheles (5:9) states, “He who loves money will not be satiated by money” (i.e. he will always seek more). On those words, the Medrash comments, “One who loves to perform mitzvos will never be satiated by mitzvos.”
Here Ephron was not referring to their relationship at all. Rather, he was saying to Avrohom, “Between two lovers such as us – I love money and you love mitzvos – what’s four hundred shekel? For you it’s a mitzvah and for me it’s money!”
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(23:13) “…I have given the silver for the field take it from me…”
The gemara (Kiddushin 2a) utilizes a noted exegesis in the form of a gezeirah shavah (two identical words used in two variant places in the Torah) – known as ‘kichah kichah m’sdei Ephron’ – to derive that a man can use money to betroth a woman.
Isn’t it incongruous to derive the laws of marriage from such a deceitful individual like Ephron? Could we not have found a more reputable source for the laws of marriage?
The Bobover Rebbe zt’l explained that, when they consummated the sale, both Ephron and Avrohom were convinced that they had received the better end of the deal. To Ephron the cave was worth nothing more than the land itself. To Ephron being able to finagle someone to pay four hundred shekel for such was a brilliant financial ploy. To Avrohom however, the cave which possessed the bodies of Adam and Chava was invaluable. To him four hundred shekels was a bargain.
The Rebbe explained that when both husband and wife feel that they are the greater beneficiary of their union, that is the ideal marriage. Both spouses should always think they are luckier than the other for being able to marry such a special person.
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(24:50) “Lavan and Besuel answered and they said, ‘This has emerged from G-d. We cannot speak to you bad or good’.”
Chasam Sofer explains that although Lavan and Besuel were not too fond of Rivkah marrying into such a righteous family, they could not say anything to convince Eliezer that it was a mistake, because they didn’t know what to say.
In regards to marriage there is no character trait that can be universally considered positive or negative. If a man is very magnanimous and giving, he will need a wife who is thriftier to counter-balance his nature. If they are both overly giving they may give away all of their possessions and leave nothing for themselves. If she is extremely benevolent and compassionate, she will need a husband who is more austere and driven. The same is true with all character-traits.
Chasam Sofer explains that this is the meaning of the words Hashem declared when He created Chava “I will make him a helpmate opposite him.” The fact that certain aspects of a wife’s personality are opposite her husband, is itself what makes her his helpmate. When a marriage is built on respect and love, spouses can complement each other’s strengths and deficiencies, and help each other reach their potential.
It is worthy to note that there is one exception to the aforementioned idea, for there is one character trait that is universally necessary and positive in marriage:
Rabbi Moshe Wolfson shlita notes that there is a beautiful reason for the custom for a choson to give his kallah a diamond ring. The Ramak writes that each middah is represented by a different color (Ohr Ne’erav 6:4:10). In a diamond one can see every color reflected in its prism. However the base color is white. In order to foster a healthy marriage both spouses need to possess an adroit combination of all character traits at different times. But the universal and fundamental middah required is chessed, which is represented by the color white!
(Sources: Immrei Chaim of Viznitz – quoted in his name; Bobbover Rebbe – quoted in his name; Rav Moshe Wolfson – heard from Rabbi Mordechai Finkelman)