Teasing IV

Parenting Pearls

Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW

TEASING IV

People often look to convey a message which is the opposite of what they really feel. Sally Ogden calls this their “Deep Dark Secret”. For example, a teacher may yell at her class for performing poorly on a test because she wants the student to feel that is their fault for not paying enough attention or studying hard enough, when in reality she feels guilty and inadequate as a teacher. Or a boss may yell at his employees for lacking sufficient production to impress upon them that the company’s lack of competitiveness is their fault, when in reality he may feel that his product just isn’t good enough.

There is also an important point about teasing. Teasing and taunting is often done to hide the teaser’s true feelings. In other words, the teaser often teases to give an impression which may very well be the exact opposite of the way he really feels. For example, if a student makes fun of another student he may be trying to convey that he is tough and macho, because internally he feels ashamed and vulnerable. [This is quite often one of the prime motivations for bullying.] If a student acts stuck-up and snobby he may want to give off an impression of aloofness to show that he is cool and popular. In truth he may be very afraid of not being accepted among the popular kids.

The basic underlying point is one that we have mentioned in this series before: We must realize that often teasing is not about the one who is being teased, as much as it is about the one who is doing the teasing.

There was a student, Shimon, who drew very well. Shimon was also somewhat impulsive which often landed him in disputes with fellow students. On one occasion Shimon was the leader of a group in art class that had four students. Two other boys – Chaim and Moshe – asked Shimon if they could join his group. Shimon immediately said no because the group was already too big. Within two minutes Chaim and Moshe began taunting Shimon that his project was terrible and that he couldn’t draw for his life. Shimon exploded and it ended up being a major issue that had to be dealt with by the school administration.

The next day I had Shimon and Chaim in my office and was trying to generate a discussion with both of them to try to work out the issue and resolve the rancorous feelings between them. After playing judge and listening to both sides of the story, I asked Chaim to tell me honestly if he felt Shimon’s project was really lousy. Chaim looked down and shook his head and admitted that he actually thought it was pretty good. But Shimon didn’t even hear what Chaim had to say. As soon as Chaim opened his mouth to answer, Shimon launched into a diatribe about how mean and disgusting Chaim was. I had to calm Shimon down and insist that he remain quiet enough to hear what Chaim was saying. At that point Chaim again repeated that he really thought Shimon’s project was good. When I asked him why he said the opposite, he admitted that it was because he was bitter that Shimon didn’t allow him into his group.

That example was very insightful to Shimon. It helped him understand clearly that what was being said wasn’t what was really felt!

It must also be remembered that some children are literalists and do not grasp the playfulness behind normal childhood banter. They often complain that they are teased when in reality their classmates have no intention of hurting their feelings. This does not mean that children don’t at times inadvertently hurt other children’s feelings, but a child needs to be able to recognize what’s playful joking around, and not allowed to make a big deal out of everything. [This is an especially big challenge for children on the spectrum, particularly those with Aspbergers.]

On one occasion, a student who joined our class in the middle of the year was frequently getting into altercations with classmates. He was complaining that classmates were being extremely mean and were threatening him in very nasty ways. It was strange because the students he was complaining about were generally nice boys who never got into fights. After discussing the issue at length with him and his mother, it became clear that he misunderstood and misread things that were beings aid. He was taking comments literally which are “regular kid’s talk”, such as “I’m gonna kill you!”

We agreed that if he was insulted or upset with another student eh would first discuss it with me or with his mother, before he reacted. With some guidance and explaining he was able to understand the concept and the improvement was remarkable.

In the final segment of this topic we will discuss a few more ideas for how students can best react and deal with teasing.

KEY POINTS

• Those who tease often have a “deep dark secret” which is their real motive for teasing
• Some children don’t grasp what’s considered normal playful teasing and it must be explained to them

Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. For speaking engagements he can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.