Parenting Pearls
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
TEASING
Our fifth grade son often complains that other boys in his class tease him and he doesn’t know how to handle it. How can we help him deal with it?
Before I address your important question, I feel that it is significant to use your question as a springboard to discuss another vital issue. I will begin by complimenting you for the manner in which you phrased your question. So many parents today would have written the same question in the following manner: “Our fifth grade son gets bullied by other kids. What should we do?”
Recently a student came over to me very upset and said “Baruch is bullying me. He blew in my face and told me I’m a loser!” Let’s not misunderstand – Baruch is wrong and the situation needs to be dealt with appropriately. But the situation at hand is a far cry from bullying. The questions of how to deal with bullying, the seriousness of it, and how to approach it, cannot be ignored. However, it is vital that we not approach general childhood bantering and teasing as bullying.
Dealing with teasing however, is part of growing up. Which adult today doesn’t remember getting teased as a child? While it often was annoying, and sometimes even embarrassing, it was part of learning how to deal with others. Let’s be honest, most of us teased others, even our friends, periodically during our youth as well.
Trying to swoop down and save our children from every teasing situation serves to weaken them emotionally and stifles their ability to deal with such annoyances and irritants on their own. I again must interject that this is not true in regards to bullying where we have an obligation to ensure that we are doing our utmost to help the child. Bullying however, includes humiliation, consistent taunting in the presence of others, and/or taking advantage of another child in any form. Even if one child constantly taunts another, that is not necessarily bullying, especially if it’s not done in a public forum. Because of the sternness of the manner in which we deal with bullying, it is absolutely vital to have a clear understanding of what’s transpiring. We then must recognize whether it is indeed bullying or general childhood banter. This does not imply that we should simply allow children to tease each other or hurt each other’s feelings, but we must recognize that, despite our best efforts “boys will be boys” and that doesn’t make them malicious kids.
In addition, you wisely phrased your question to ask how you can help your son deal with the teasing. You apparently recognize that teasing and fielding hurtful comments is an unfortunate part of life. As adults we too have to deal with hurtful and sometimes insulting comments that are said to us – sometimes unwittingly, and sometimes even purposely. As parents our goal is always to help our children learn to navigate their way through challenges so they will be ready to confront the real world. Your approach, which is reflected in the manner in which you phrased your question, is commendable and an example for other parents to follow.
With that said, how indeed do we help a child deal with teasing?
The first step is to help a child understand why children (and adults) ‘rib’ each other. I often ask children who get teased a lot if they think the teasers hate them. They invariably reply that they are sure they do. When I then ask the teasers if they hate the peers they tease they almost always reply that they don’t. When I ask them why they do it the invariable response is “cuz it’s fun!”
I ask students why certain children seem to get teased more than others. Many are able to recognize that children who react with greater emotion and display often get teased more. Why? Because when children tease each other they are seeking to elicit a reaction! The stronger and harsher the reaction the more exciting it is and the more they will come back for more. It is a mean and negative manner to have fun, but kids love to have fun. Unfortunately they will look to have fun even at someone else’s expense, even though they don’t really mean to hurt the ‘victim’.
In one of the yeshivos I worked in, there was one student – Dovid – who hardly got teased. It wasn’t because there was nothing about him to tease. In fact, he was a bit eccentric and had some unique idiosyncrasies – the type that kids often pick on. The reason he was hardly teased was because his reactions were so bland – almost humorously so. If a classmate would say “Dovid, you’re so weird”, he would reply, “Thanks! You too!” I often used Dovid as an example for other children to see the benefit of trying not to react harshly to teasing.
When we were children and would complain to our parents that a sibling was bothering us, our parents would reply that we should ignore it and it would stop. There is a great deal of truth in that. However, this is only true if we could ignore it enough to have no emotional reaction to it. If inside we were becoming angry and were just trying to hold it in, the teaser would sense it and would keep ‘pecking away’ until they got to us.
If a child has a hard time “just ignoring it” then he may need extra coaching and encouragement, especially at the beginning when he first begins to understand this dynamic.
We will iy’H continue this discussion, including ideas to help children ‘just ignore it’ in the next segment. [We also hope to address the topic of bullying more thoroughly in a future article.]
KEY POINTS
- The way we handle teasing is very different than the way we handle bullying. We must clarify the situation before deciding how to proceed.
- When children confront teasing and mean comments it can be a way for them to learn social skills and grow from the experience.
- Children tease each other because they want a reaction. The best response is not to grant that reaction.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY, and a division head at Camp Dora Golding. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. For speaking engagements he can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.