Quality Time

Parenting Pearls

Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW

QUALITY TIME

I am a Rebbe in a local yeshiva. Although the pay is decent, in order to make ends meet I teach secular studies in another yeshiva in the afternoon and tutor boys at night. As you can imagine I am quite tired when I arrive home. I often learn with my children while I am eating supper or eat quickly myself and learn with them for a few minutes afterwards. There are many nights when I don’t end up learning with some or all of my children. I know how important it is to spend time with one’s children (I once heard someone say that to a child love is spelled T-I-M-E), but in order to maintain the average standard of living including paying yeshiva and camp tuitions. I just don’t have much time to give them.

I once asked this very question to Rabbi Mordechai Finkleman, Mashgiach of Yeshiva Ohr Hachaim and a personal Rebbe. Rabbi Finkleman is busy helping Klal Yisroel, aside from attending simchos of talmidim etc. I asked him how he found time for each of his children when they were younger? His response was that the most important component of spending time with children is quality not quantity. Five or ten minutes of undivided attention can be worth more than an hour of fragmented attention.

Our children today have a lot of competition for their parent’s time. The phone is ringing, there are things that need to be taken care of, and unfortunately many of us can’t stop ourselves from checking our phones.

A new grandfather was taking his grandchildren to the park. It had been a few decades since he had taken his children to the park. As he entered the playground he was pleasantly surprised to see a whole group of young children on the swings being pushed by their fathers. That wasn’t the case when he was a young parent. But as he came closer he realized that virtually every father was on the phone. They were there but they weren’t there.

A wise friend told my wife that she began a program in her home called “shmoozy time”. Every night when putting her children to sleep she would spend a few minutes with each child speaking about whatever the child wanted. With nine children in the family it wasn’t easy to spend focused time with each child but somehow she managed. The children looked forward to it immensely. They could lose the privilege with negative behavior, and they didn’t want to, so it was a great incentive as well.

Eva Sandler, who lost her husband and two children in the horrific shooting outside a yeshiva in Toulouse, France, was interviewed shortly after the tragedy. One of the things she said was: “I can tell people that they need to pay more attention to their husband, or children, that they don’t understand how important this is. Every night I would make sure to recite the ‘Shema’ prayer with my children. On that day, I was with my parents, and I said to my husband, that I didn’t say ‘Shema’ with the children. I told him that I would make sure to say it with them the following night. But there was no following night.”

I remember on one occasion I was driving with my eight-year-old son sitting in the back seat. I felt that I had to make conversation and I began asking him how school was, how things were generally, etc. At one point, he looked up at me and said “Abba, why are you asking me all of these strange questions?”

We don’t always have to talk. Just spending time together, especially in an enjoyable manner, is very valuable to our children.

We are all pressed for time. Whatever time we do set aside to spend with our children we should make sure that we are really there.

Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the Rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead. He is also fifth grade Rebbe and Guidance Counselor in ASHAR in Monsey, and Principal of Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor, NY. Rabbi Staum offers parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love & Logic Program. He can be reached at stamtorah@gmail.com. His website is www.stamtorah.info.