“RABBI’S MUSINGS (& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh Parshas Bamidbar
Rosh Chodesh Sivan 5784/ June 7, 2024 – 45th day of the Omer
Pirkei Avos – Perek 6
FACE THE MUSIC
Shortly after I became engaged to my future wife, I attended a b’ris in
Lakewood. Being that it wasn’t far from my kallah’s home, she met me there.
When I saw her, I asked her if I could get her anything to eat. She smiled and
politely declined.
A few minutes later, I met a rebbe of mine. When I told him that my
kallah was at the b’ris he asked me if I brought her anything to eat. I proudly
explained that I had offered her some food as soon as she walked in, but she
didn’t want anything. My rebbe pointed towards the food and instructed, “Bring
her a bagel, cream cheese, some eggs, vegetables and lox.” I did as I was told
and was surprised when my kallah indeed enjoyed some of the food. When I saw my
rebbe a few minutes later and told him what happened, he put his hand on my
shoulder and quipped, “And there’s your first lesson about marriage.”
People communicate with words. However, we also communicate without
words, such as with nonverbal communication. To really understand another, one
must also hear the non-verbalized message. In fact, one’s tone of voice and
body language can give a very different message than what is actually being
verbalized.
As a simple example, if someone tells his friend that he really cares
about him while he is mindlessly scrolling and typing, the non-verbalized
message that he doesn’t really care, will be louder than what he is saying.
In addition, at times, there is also a strong message conveyed by what is
not being said, more than what is being said.
Rabbi Yisrael Salanter once went to visit a young student who was sitting
shiva for his parent. When Rabbi Yisroel sat down, there was silence in the
room. After a couple of minutes Rabbi Yisroel initiated a conversation with his
bereaved student.
After he left the house of mourning, Rabbi Yisroel’s students asked him
why he began the conversation when halacha states that one may not speak until
the mourner speaks first. Rabbi Yisroel replied incredulously, “Did you not
hear his heart? He was practically screaming in pain.”
Rabbi Yisroel heard the cry of his student, despite the fact that his
student had not said anything.
In all relationships it is important that we be keen listeners to hear
what is being said and what is not being said or being said in other ways. Very
often the real message one wishes to or needs to convey is the hidden one,
beyond the words being said.
There is a poignant example of this concept in Megillah Rus. After their
husband’s deaths, Rus and Oprah decided to remain with their (former)
mother-in-law Naomi. At that point Naomi tells them that they have nothing to
stay for. “Return, my daughters, why should you come with me? … Return my
daughters, go, for I am too old to have a husband… no, my daughters, I am very
embittered on account of you…” (Rus 1:11-12).
Orpah hearkened to Naomi’s message and indeed returned, but Rus
stubbornly persisted and returned to Eretz Yisroel with Naomi.
How could Noami’s message have had such a different effect on her two
daughters-in-law?
The Minchas Yosef explains that Rus and Oroah heard different messages in
what Naomi said. On the surface, it seems that Orpah listened to Naomi by
leaving, while Rus defied her by remaining with her. But Chazal relate that the
opposite was true: “Orpah turned her back (oref) to Naomi, whereas Rus
saw (ra’asah, i.e. heeded) her words” (Rus Rabbah 2:9).
Rus listened to Naomi on a deeper level. When Naomi entreated Rus and
Orpah to leave her, Rus recognized that Naomi had addressed them as “my
daughters” twice (instead of “my daughters-in-law”). A mother,
protests notwithstanding, does not abandon a child. Orpah heard the words
alone, and they were clearly telling her to leave. Rus, however, heard the
inner emotion behind those words. Rus heard the expression of a mother who
desperately wants to hold onto her children. It was the tune, not the lyrics,
that expressed Naomi’s true intent.
Hearing the emotion behind the words and non-verbalized messages goes one
step further.
The Torah is referred to as a “Shirah – song”. “And now write for
yourself this song; teach it to B’nei Yisroel, place it in their mouths.”
Perhaps part of the idea behind the song of Torah, is to recognize that Torah
is not only about the actual words. The Torah wants to teach us ethics and
values. Being a good Jew entails not only fulfilling the letter of the law, but
also the spirit of the law.
Ramban writes that one can be a disgusting person without violating any
laws. The Torah therefore instructs us to be holy. We must be noble and
distinguished so that it is apparent that we are a divine people. Being holy
entails living according to the values of the Torah, beyond the actual words.
It means hearing the underlying message and direction that Torah instills in
its adherents.
The Torah teaches us how to see beneath the surface and dig deeper to
understand and decipher the implications and hidden messages.
Such knowledge is invaluable not only for Torah study but in all
relationships as well.
Shabbat Shalom
& Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and
Chani Staum
stamtorah@gmail.com